The pen is mightier than the sword

In this post, I was reacting to quite a lot of hurt and frustration with the Experiment. It got me in trouble. There was some concern about who might look bad because of it. And that made me wonder if I would look bad. And for a while I thought, Gosh, I don't want to look bad in church. I don't want to hurt any people in church. Because I LOVE my church. Rockharbor has shepherded me, pastored me, cared for me. Most of the spiritual growth I've done was during services, crying at the crosses, asking Jesus to forgive me and those who've sinned against me. Asking Jesus for his nourishment, to feed me with the Eucharist, with his body and blood. To allow me to be in Holy Communion with his saints and convince me that he'll always feed me, even when I can't feed myself. Most of my healing from past spiritual abuse occurred in the context of co-leading a life group. Working out community with people in love and commitment to our mutual development, despite our total depravity, despite falling victim over and over to the same sins.

BUT--- But --- but....I guess I should've known not to expect too much when I look back now and realize we all applied to be celebrities. We all applied to be photographed like Britney Spears and I mean seriously, look at the devastation that has ensued for her. We are fragile human beings and must treat one another as such. We must treat each other with relentless tenderness despite the thorny responses we get. Any group that gets together and wants to serve the Lord by showing others "how it's done" is a big piece of crappy fly-ridden lies and only setting itself up for implosion. Although we were within the context of the church, we had no idea what we were doing or where we were going. And I sold little pieces of my soul along the way. I'm not mad, it's no one's fault but my own, but I'm saddened and disturbed at the parts of my soul that I now find missing when I'm searching for Jesus.

The most profound thing I learned in the Experiment is that God could not F-ing care whether or not we have a big darn vision. To quote Garrett, "God isn't interested in turning the oceanliner around. He is trying to sink the oceanliner and send us all out in rowboats."

He wants us to do small things with great love. He doesn't need you to start crusades under Billy Bob Ministries and drive a Rolls Royce. Also he doesn't hate the rich. If you're rich, that's what you are, just like I'm brown-eyed and can't do nothing about it. So enjoy it, give lots away, lavish it on those who've never had that, die completely broke and honor the Lord. Take care of your family
(um, and by care I don't mean help them learn to luxuriate in fine things). Teach your children the commandments. Read the Bible for what it really says. And stop trying to outdo God with your big vision. For what does the Lord require of you but to love justice and do mercy and walk humbly with your God.

The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community even if their intentions are ever so earnest. But the person who loves those around them will create community. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It's not easy to grasp a vision for the world that is a kingdom or an empire bigger than Rome, but as small as a mustard seed. This is the God who creates the universe, but chooses to be born in a manger. - Shane Claiborne

A Baby Refugee

The people wanted a mighty Messiah. They got a baby refugee. They wanted a powerful king to take over Rome. They got a wandering homeless man. He could have saved the world with his mighty power, but he did it through his ridiculous love. The power of God lies in the brokenness of Jesus: naked, cursed, spit upon, with birds picking at his flesh as he died the rotten death of a criminal. -Shane Claiborne

Body by Jake or Body by God?

So today I stopped into my local Borders to find some new reading. I picked up three books from the fiction table and then wandered over to my favorite place in any big-box bookstore. The Christian Living/Religion/Christian Inspiration section. I paged through Jesus of Suburbia by Mike Erre before this title caught my eye: Body by God. I kid you not, it's the EXACT same cover as Body for Life (in case you don't know, it was a hit diet/exercise book circa 2003-2004. I only know because my roommate at the time bought it and it was always lying around. I think the big draw was something about 4-minute workouts.) Anyway, it's distinctive (ahem, rip-off) cover caught my attention, so I flipped over to the back and received this little gem:

"Your body is by God. God preprogrammed you to look great, have outrageous health and experience incredible happiness."

Seriously? Because I've actually read the Bible and I was immediately reminded of a couple of key verses from that important Book, such as:

He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. - Isaiah 53:2 (NIV)
(And that's the big J, JESUS we're talking about here, folks. Not just some hack like you or me. He was seriously not AT ALL good-looking, and definitely NOT preprogrammed to look great.)

"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below." -Exodus 20:4 (NIV)

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

And although I know Jesus was resigned to going to the Cross for us, I don't think he would have gone so far as describing it as "incredible happiness."

Yeah, I was just pretty much floored. Because Mike Erre was right in his book, most people have apparently never actually read the Gospels...not only that, but I also enjoyed these other gems:

Stress Management - If you are stressed, it's hard to manage, but "Peace by God" is something you can experience by reprogramming the way you look at, and react to, the stress in your life.

(Last time I checked, I didn't see anything about "reprogramming" myself in that chapter about the peace that passes all understanding. I think it just said to pray and give God all my worries.)

Time Management - Double and even quadruple the amount of time you have in a week (it's a MIRACLE!!! Somebody call St. Thomas!) by learning how to "Schedule your life" (wow, did we really need air quotes for that? I think the term schedule your life is fairly ordinary these days) and how you can "Paint solid yellow lines around Time by God." (italics and bold sic)

Wow, I think God will really appreciate us painting those fierce yellow lines around "His" time. I don't know about you, but I drive over those yellow lines on the freeway on pretty much a weekly basis...oops, m-my bad.

You know I have been accused of being a mocker when it comes to cheesy Christian paraphernalia and cheesy Christian culture, and I am trying to love my brothers and sisters despite their penchant for stamping things with fishes, but some things are just screaming out to be mocked...

The Angels win again...

Well, actually they lost tonight - 5 to 3, Kansas City. And I almost lost my lunch after eating wayyyy too much snack bar food. I went a little crazy with the nachos. But metaphorically speaking, the angels are winning...

Or more accurately, I am choosing to let them win. My better angels wage a daily war with the church ladies in my head. And usually the topic of strife is love. We are all looking for it, it seems in such short supply and I find myself and the people around me just angsting over it constantly. (I know, angsting isn't a verb. But it should be.) And I find myself being swept along in this idea that romance is what will fulfill me. But I know it won't. My better angels are whispering all the time that I won't ever find true fulfillment outside of waiting on God's will for my life on earth and His will for my life in heaven. Every beautiful day is just a hint of what's to come. I had an immensely satisfying birthday this year and I'm delighted to turn 26; totally unexpected! And that's just a zephyr of the satisfaction I will feel when I'm face to face with my Maker. Do I have longings that are like an open wound in my side? Yes. But when they become all of me, I am not who I am intended to be.

I realized this weekend that I have been dating for 10 years. Since I was 16, I have had a revolving door of men. And I've learned a lot from it, but I am realizing I'm done with the revolving door. I took about 5 years in there somewhere and just chose not to date at all, from about 19-23. And I think I grew so much in those years. I know I was so close to God, so close to the deep pain in my soul; but also able to easily bring it to Him without the complications of relationships. While I am grateful for the men I have known, they have treated me with amazing care and sweetness, I look back and feel like little chips of my heart have been left with each one. Each time you go through that initial excitement, that initial question of the heart- Can you really see and love me? something happens to your hopefulness. It expands so wide, but like a balloon, if you blow it up too many times, eventually it no longer inflates with the same firm shape. I guess my heart feels a little like that ragged balloon. Deflated and unsure if it can ever be inflated again.

It's so weird to feel like I'm at the end of the road, when I know the journey is just beginning. My soul feels old. But I think my exhaustion is my better angels winning. Allowing me to grow faint, so God can pick me up under His wings and fly me onward.

They say we all have a question that must be answered. I think mine is How long? How long, O Lord? I don't believe I can continue to bear up under this, whatever this is. It's been so many things. The weight of pain, the weight of waiting, the weight of healing, the weight of wanting. But my better angels are helping me to lean into the wanting and the waiting, instead of trying to unburden myself of the weight by taking over control.

Lord, I so vocally want Your will to take me overseas, but I'm much more hesitant about Your will that might say work unto the Lord here at this job. Lord, I so vocally desire Your hand to show me the way, but I am so reluctant to listen and heed Your words before I begin the journey. Would you shape my soul? Shape it. Mold it to the form of the sorrow on the brow of Your Son. The One. The One who knows all my needs. Who can so easily solve all my perplexedness. God, when I'm turning around in circles, chasing my own tail, help me to look to You. Help me to find quiet and remember that Your angels are already answering my question. Help to listen for the answer. My soul needs to know that You are in control. My soul needs to rest in Your control. God, would You put Your steadying hand on my girlish heart that already feels old? Renew the balloon, Lord. Keep it guarded and safe for the one who will want to know it.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Ill be watching you

Oh, cant you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
Ill be watching you

Since youve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please...

the family of GOD

I need a family that loves God. If there was one thing I could rewind my life and ask God for before I was born into this world, I would have asked for a family that loved God. That's it. Because I don't have one. And everyday I wake up and I still don't have one. And that means that I think of my spiritual family really as my family, except most of them have these great families (even when they're not even Christian families, sometimes) that they go home to after church and forget about me. But I don't forget about them. I am constantly thinking about them and needing relationship with them. But that's just not realistic to them, even though it is to me. And in that place of wanting it to be realistic, I feel very needy. I don't want to be this needy, but I just am. I need people behind and before me who love God, who hear Him and talk to Him and talk to me about Him. It's necessary to me like breathing. When I don't have it, I start to drown. It's not just that my family doesn't love God, it's that they hate Him. They hate everything about Him and they hate hearing about Him and they hate talking about Him and they hate people who love Him and they hate people who love talking about Him.

Tonight at Rockharbor, God spoke loudly to me. As we sang in response to the message, I couldn't hear the instruments anymore. All I could hear was the sound of all the voices as one, singing to God. And God said so loudly to me, This is the music of heaven for you. When you feel like you are all alone in choosing me, listen to the armies of heaven singing in unison; you have chosen what is better. Listen to the people of the church singing all together. They all know me. They all love me. You won't be alone in heaven.

I have given up a lot to love Jesus. I always say if I had known how hard it would be, I never would have become a Christian. If I had known the trouble I would see, I would have picked another religion. The person of Jesus is dangerous. But I can't deny the truth. When someone asked me, Do you believe this? I said Yes. It just made sense. I can't deny the truth; to do so would be to deny my own existence, my own destiny.

It's going to be the best Valentine's day ever because I'm dating Jesus!

Note: I've noticed that I start a lot of sentences with "So", "And" and "But". Therefore, I am working on editing that bad grammar out in honor of my past English teachers who turn over in their graves every time I do this. While I agree that those who are six feet under might like a turn now and then, I do not want to be responsible for a Thriller-like rise from the dead. If you catch me using these bad sentence starters in the future, please feel free to nag. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

It's going to be the best Valentine's day ever because I'm dating JESUS. Yup, it's true. I actually went on a date with Jesus today. Now if you've heard other people say this before and wanted to throw up, you're not alone. I have wanted to bash those people over the head with a foam Nerf bat. It's so freakin cheesy when they say it. But I have to admit, I did it. I purposefully focused this Saturday on clearing away all the little chores and stuff I had to do so that my whole Sunday would be free. I sabbathed all day and it was great. As I was walking at a park down on the Peninsula I saw all these couples being extra cozy and I thought about each one, "That girl's just sucking up cause she wants jewelry for Valentine's day." Cause seriously, what else could have been causing that level of PDA? As I was thinking about this, I realized that I don't have a date for Valentine's day, no great boyfriend and yet I am perfectly happy. Instead of spending time with a guy today, I spent time with Jesus and it felt awesome. All the things I did today are things I would do or have done on dates; watching a movie, getting coffee, taking a long walk, hanging out by the beach, lying on a blanket in the park. I realized they were just as good or even better than some dates I have been on because I did them with Jesus. He was more attentive than some dates have been, He listened much better, He talked to me in a more personal caring way and there was no risk of remorse about the time I spent with Him or what we did. How lovely it was. This might be borderline multiple personality disorder, but I started to look forward to Valentine's Day so much, I thought about letting Jesus buy me Valentine's flowers. Is that crazy? If it is, I must be, because it makes me really happy and hopeful thinking about it.

I feel truly happy because I realized I'm in a relationship that is ultimately satisfying and I never have to suck up to get presents. I love love. And I love a day that celebrates love. Happy early Valentine's Day!

Why should a Christian be a missionary?

Keith Green, a zealous musician who recruited for missions, says “Since America has only about 5% of the world’s population, then only about 5% of the believers would really be called to stay in this country as a witness (that's only about l out of 20) while the rest of us should go into the parts of the world where there are almost 0% believers. “Unfortunately, that is not the case. On the contrary, 95% of believers will stay within the United States. Are there needs in the United States? Without a doubt. It is impossible to walk around a college campus in America without seeing the need for more Christian laborers. But there’s one thing to remember, there will always be a need in America. Needs are everywhere. Maybe its time to stop focusing on the needs and instead focus on the greatest need - those with no gospel access.

“A tiny group of believers who have the gospel keep mumbling it over and over to themselves. Meanwhile, millions who have never heard it once fall into the flames of eternal hell without ever hearing the salvation story.” - K.P. Yohannan

“Some wish to live within the sound of a chapel bell, I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell.” - C.T. Studd