Go Deep and Go Wide

For my class this morning, I was assigned to read a book and then write a three page paper on it, summarizing the book for one page and then delving into one argument and discussing it for two pages.

One of the challenges in graduate study, apart from the requisite expectation of lack of sleep, is to broadly define and then specifically argue a topic. This often feels like an impossible task. How can I go so broad as to summarize a topic and then go so deep as to analyze it meaningfully? When you add in the third parameter of keeping all this to three short pages, I feel pressed from all sides.

How can I go deep while simulatenously going wide? And on top of all that, keep it short and concise? I have no answers today; just this one question I'm flinging out into the cosmic void.

That is all.

I was really unhappy

My friend Ann made the comment a couple of weeks ago that I used to get and quit jobs quite frequently in the interim 4 years between when I graduated from UCI and started at Fuller. After our talk, I was thinking about this statement, because I don't like to be someone who lives life like that. But it's the truth. I think after graduation and until Sept 2007, I had 6 different jobs. Granted, one or two of them conveniently forgot to give me a paycheck, so I was justified in leaving them in the lurch. And one of them I stayed at for 14 months until I started grad school the first time in Fall of 2005. And another I stayed at from Feb 2007 to March 2008, because I liked the company and they were good to me.

But what she said was still hard to hear. I don't want to be a quitter. And I don't think I am in my heart of hearts. I realized the reason I kept quitting is I was really unhappy with my "work life" in that season. And the reason I know I'm supposed to pursue a Master's and potentially a Ph.D. is because school is the only thing that I've ever been passionate enough about to be committed to for the long haul. In undergrad, I had a whole host of things deter me from finishing. I got really sick and had to withdraw for one quarter. I had living situation changes. I worried at times how my tuition would get paid. But I knew I was supposed to do it and I didn't let those things make me give up.

The same is true here at Fuller. In this first year alone, I've moved twice. I had serious roommate drama. I worked 35 hours a week and took full-time classes. I got in a major car accident. The CT scan found a "space" in my brain. I had to have an MRI. I helped coordinate a conference in Anaheim. I went through a lot of frustration being patronized by some male classmates. I took 8am classes four days a week. I ran out of money again and again. And somewhere in there I had to make space to sleep, read, write papers and spend time with my friends. And yet, I'm committed to it. I will finish this Spring's Finals week, I will complete two more years of this and I will graduate. I know it. I know it because turning around and retreating is not an option. I must advance.

And as I thought about my propensity to quit those awful jobs (one of which was, I kid you not, typing voicemails down for 9 hours a day, voicemails from people facing foreclosure, so depressing!) I realized that maybe that was a good thing. I knew in my soul it just wasn't enough. I would never be happy sitting at a desk all week letting my brain rot. I just couldn't do it. And while I had some interesting work at times and lots of nice people at times, it just wasn't me. I knew I was made for more. And I don't know if I'd say this is the more, but it's closer. There aren't as many fun free corporate meals, but it's at least 80% engaging. And we get summer vacation.

Ultimately, it must be what I'm called to, because it's the only thing I won't quit.

the Holy Spirit in the Old Testament

I was in a bible study my sophomore year in college. When I consider how I arrived here at seminary, I remember that bible study as containing one of the formative moments in my destiny to arrive at theological studies.

That we attempted to study the Bible I look back and realize was an audacious decision. That I personally desired to really look at what it says, I reflect now, was an audacious personal decision.

This bible study was led by a Campus Crusade staff member and I remember one session when our discussion of a New Testament scripture (I think we were studying Philippans) brought up the question: Did the Holy Spirit exist in the Old Testament? Reflecting now on this question, I also see inherent in it the questions: Did the Trinity exist in the Old Testament? How do we conclude the existence of the Trinity even in the New Testament? Does the "us" in Genesis refer to the Father and Son, without the Holy Spirit? Which person of the Trinity is preeminent?

But nonetheless, the question posed was: Did the Holy Spirit exist in the Old Testament? I know it was this because I have pondered it again and again in confusion over the years.

I'm not sure what the various arguments for or against this idea were, but I remember that I upset our leader by being truly interested in investigating this issue. For a long time, I looked back on that moment with equal parts frustration and chagrin, knowing that I wanted to be perceived as of course desiring genuine Christian love and unity amongst us, while sincerely wanting to examine the arguments around this issue. To this leader, my eagerness to pursue the issue meant I was willing to divide the group, or at least relinquish the sensitive balance of unity we had amongst us.

This morning I took a midterm that asked for examples of the Trinity in the Old Testament. My school allows for multiple sincere interpretations of this doctrine, including denying the doctrines existence in the Old Testament, by Christians of good faith. We were not asked to conclude whether the Trinity existed "back then" from the suggestions of it in the Old Testament, but at an initial critical level, to consider the evidence for it.

While I was probably not mature enough in my sophomore year to express this idea; that's what I really wanted. I didn't want us to conclude, but I did want us to consider it. Consider all the angles and evidence for the idea.

One of things I've been thinking about lately is that I tend to care more about the heart of sincerity over the exactness of being right about theological matters. Therefore, I never would have thought of myself as someone interested in attending seminary. Also, I've never seen myself as someone particularly interested in the nuances for instance of the Greek word "power" in the New Testament (on which topic I just read a delightfully detailed and lengthy book) or other minute matters of exegesis.

However, I do think these matters are important to consider and discuss, even if we don't agree or are not able to come to conclusion on them. And I'm at the right school because I'm realizing I don't need to sacrifice my heart, that desires genuine loving fellowship, in order to approach these issues with a critical mind.

I present this evidence that you might arrive at the conclusion I've arrived at today...
God is good.
And more specifically, He's good to me.

I'm living in the Old Testament

I went to visit my dad Sunday night. He's building a second home on his property so he can move into it and tear down and then rebuild his main home. It's crazy. The new main home will have a gym and sauna and two offices, one with 250 degrees of views of the ocean. I can't believe we are related. It's seriously like the parables in the NT of the man who build a big house. My dad's house is being built solidly, (not on sand like the parable) but ultimately when it's all done, what will he have? A place to live that's not all that different than the current house. I'm not sure what to think. It's this huge investment in getting something customized to their taste, but it's simply not something I would invest that much money in. I can't believe how guilty I will feel sometimes when I spend an extra $15 at Ross and ijn comparison my dad is spending hordes of money on this new house. I don't really have an opinion on it yet, I'm still not sure if I think it's a good idea or not. But either way, it's happening.

5 things you should know

1. If you're going to be counseling anyone, anywhere it is imperative that you attend at least 10 counseling sessions yourself.

2. Never, and I mean NEVER try to drive and Blackberry at the same time. It is very dangerous.

3. Unicorns are never extinct in your imagination.

4. Coffee is good for the brain and the soul.

5. Que-sa-dilla is NOT Spanish for "What's the deal?!"

Now it's your turn...tell me 5 things I should know...:)

Blessed and Dispossessed

I am reading a commentary on justice in the Old Testament that talks about Jesus being partial to the dispossessed. Some excerpts:

"It is significant that the story of Israel's birth (and therefore our birth as a community of faith) begins not in a moment of nationalistic triumph but in a context of slavery and oppression...This portrait of numbing oppression sets not only the social context but the theological context for the events of Exodus. It is not in Israel's own resources that power can be found to oppose the oppressive power of the empire (pharaoh), but it is in the power of God. Therein lies hope that seem by human terms to lie beyond redemption."

God's identification with Hebrew slaves in Egypt reveals a fundamental partiality of God towards the dispossessed. Exodus is but the beginning of a long list of canonical witnesses to God's special care for the poor, the hungry, the oppressed, the exploited, the suffering."

This helps me remember again why He is my God. I've been searching for a word that describes my recent situation. Dispossessed is the right word.

Am I blessed? Oh yes. I just look at this computer I am typing on, my warm bed, my full cupboard and the fullness of God I am experiencing as I study His word and I know I am well kept under His wing.

But my reality is that I am also dispossessed. And when that sad reality grates on my soul, it's nice to remember that God isn't a god for the victorious Christians, the ones who write books about praying your way to happiness or changing your life daily, He's a God for those who can't help themselves. He's a God for those who are still in exile, still waiting for the promised land.

He's a God for the dispossessed.

He's a God for me.

And I am blessed to be one of His dispossessed.

I have a problem

Yup, the first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem, so I'm doing just that. I have a problem. I can't write when forced to. When I want to write, I can't shutup. But when I am forced to by school, all of sudden it's time to eat, watch TV, surf facebook, talk on the phone, re-arrange the furniture, or anything else. Why is that??? I hate it.

I know what I should write. I have a plan for how this paper will go. But I am stubborn with myself. I have to admit it - my life is unmanageable when it comes to writing papers. And to top it off, I'm kind of angry that this is assigned over Thanksgiving. I can't give thanks when I'm trapped inside being forced to write academic papers.

And this is only the first of 3 due in the next two weeks....help me, Jesus.

How do you know it's a love letter?

Somewhere along the way, I picked up the idea that the Bible is "God's love letter to His people." While I don't think this isn't true, I am realizing I have allowed that idea to limit my view of the Scripture. It is so many things. It is the epic story. The story of a God and His people. The story of God declaring Who He Is over generations. The story of Him expanding and further expanding His dominion and glory.

A Baby Refugee

The people wanted a mighty Messiah. They got a baby refugee. They wanted a powerful king to take over Rome. They got a wandering homeless man. He could have saved the world with his mighty power, but he did it through his ridiculous love. The power of God lies in the brokenness of Jesus: naked, cursed, spit upon, with birds picking at his flesh as he died the rotten death of a criminal. -Shane Claiborne

Bearing Burdens

Sometimes I remember what it's like to bear burdens.

I carry a really old Toshiba laptop to class every day so I can take notes on it. I carry my regular backpack with my books and binder in it and then I carry my laptop bag with my laptop in it on one shoulder. It is probably 15lbs or more and I was walking with it today when I realized that to other people it probably registers as 5-10 lbs hanging off the end of my hand, but it's heavy enough to be painful to my back and neck. It feels to heavy to me, but it probably looks light to others. Isn't that the way?

I probably wouldn't look at someone and offer them help unless I saw them visibly stagger under the weight of their burden but I realized today as I'm walking that I've gotten pretty good at smiling despite carrying a heavy burden. And not staggering so it doesn't appear as though anything is wrong. I'm a survivor. And not in the thats-my-name-because-I-did-something-impressive way. More in the sense that my default position in life, my position that I set into when things are tough, is that of a survivor.

Pathetic beyond all doubt

Beware: You may get more stupid after reading this blog.

Alternatively, you might get inspired to get further education; we'll see.

I was just watching a Taco Bell commercial for some new item they are selling where dopey-looking people (that's a technical term) hold the burrito or whatever it is arm's length away from their faces while staring blankly into the camera. Strung between their slack jaws and hands is a long string of melted cheese. While the "advertising intelligence" that went into this is appalling it doesn't even compare to what came next. The commercial shows different people all over a city in this same grotestesque pose and one of the shots is of men in business suits sitting on what I assume are supposed to be courthouse steps. Apparently this isn't "hip" enough for Taco Bell's advertising audience, so in the background you can see numerous teenagers attired in complete safety equipment doing skateboarding jumps on the steps. And although they are in the background of the shot for all of 1.5 seconds, a message flashes across the bottom: Professional skateboarders. Do not attempt. And how does my amazing brain work? This is how. I begin to ask myself: Who does that? Whose job is it to scan through commercials before they are aired and make sure any split-second instance of skateboarding or other "extreme sports" is covered with a disclaimer at the bottom? Is that seriously someone's job? If so, I am SO GLAD I'm going to graduate school, if solely to avoid a destiny of that bottom-dwelling magnitude. Thank GOD there was that disclaimer or I was going to run over to my local county courthouse and start bungee-jumping from the leaves of the Corinthian columns!

Why don't we use THE more?

People from out of (the) town always comment on how we call our freeways The 5, The 55 and The 405.

I was watching The Good Shepherd today and I liked this quote from it:

Someone asked me why when we talk about CIA, we dont say "the CIA" , and I told him, "You don't say 'the' when talking about God."

Body by Jake or Body by God?

So today I stopped into my local Borders to find some new reading. I picked up three books from the fiction table and then wandered over to my favorite place in any big-box bookstore. The Christian Living/Religion/Christian Inspiration section. I paged through Jesus of Suburbia by Mike Erre before this title caught my eye: Body by God. I kid you not, it's the EXACT same cover as Body for Life (in case you don't know, it was a hit diet/exercise book circa 2003-2004. I only know because my roommate at the time bought it and it was always lying around. I think the big draw was something about 4-minute workouts.) Anyway, it's distinctive (ahem, rip-off) cover caught my attention, so I flipped over to the back and received this little gem:

"Your body is by God. God preprogrammed you to look great, have outrageous health and experience incredible happiness."

Seriously? Because I've actually read the Bible and I was immediately reminded of a couple of key verses from that important Book, such as:

He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. - Isaiah 53:2 (NIV)
(And that's the big J, JESUS we're talking about here, folks. Not just some hack like you or me. He was seriously not AT ALL good-looking, and definitely NOT preprogrammed to look great.)

"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below." -Exodus 20:4 (NIV)

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

And although I know Jesus was resigned to going to the Cross for us, I don't think he would have gone so far as describing it as "incredible happiness."

Yeah, I was just pretty much floored. Because Mike Erre was right in his book, most people have apparently never actually read the Gospels...not only that, but I also enjoyed these other gems:

Stress Management - If you are stressed, it's hard to manage, but "Peace by God" is something you can experience by reprogramming the way you look at, and react to, the stress in your life.

(Last time I checked, I didn't see anything about "reprogramming" myself in that chapter about the peace that passes all understanding. I think it just said to pray and give God all my worries.)

Time Management - Double and even quadruple the amount of time you have in a week (it's a MIRACLE!!! Somebody call St. Thomas!) by learning how to "Schedule your life" (wow, did we really need air quotes for that? I think the term schedule your life is fairly ordinary these days) and how you can "Paint solid yellow lines around Time by God." (italics and bold sic)

Wow, I think God will really appreciate us painting those fierce yellow lines around "His" time. I don't know about you, but I drive over those yellow lines on the freeway on pretty much a weekly basis...oops, m-my bad.

You know I have been accused of being a mocker when it comes to cheesy Christian paraphernalia and cheesy Christian culture, and I am trying to love my brothers and sisters despite their penchant for stamping things with fishes, but some things are just screaming out to be mocked...

Wow

People love the MC. Ever since I have known of him, I think this has been true. But tonight I got the full experience of it at a sweet gathering. I'll be honest - I think there are just a certain kind of people that other people will always respond to with that kind of rallying support and I don't really feel like that would ever happen for me. Whenever I am around someone who is universally loved like that, I struggle between being swept into liking them too and also wondering why God didn't make me someone who a lot of people would rally around. However, I am so happy for my friend and glad to see God transforming him and sending him out.

I am mostly overwhelmed by seeing all the people from our old Crusade group. I feel like it is similar to seeing people you were in a war with. I don't mean that in a bad way, just that we went through something I don't feel like other people can relate to. It was a very particular time with particular circumstances that were pretty tumultuous. And yet even now I see so much fruit from it. I see so many from our small group that have a heart for missions and for healing and mainly to see the gospel lived out all over the globe. I am generally not that optimistic, I tend to err on the side of realism, and it generally takes a lot to encourage me, but I was genuinely encouraged tonight by the legacy of our little group. And I was also touched by how easily I slip back into the comfort of being with people who knew me when I was first discovering redemption.

Post #299 holds in store for you 5 unrelated thoughts

1. Yup, I am on the downwardslide toward a miraculous 300 posts. I feel pretty impressive.

2. There are 15 days left until I get on a plane headed to Romania! I've got $775 left to raise by July 20th.

3. I'm going camping this weekend north of Ventura, south of Santa Barbara. They are forecasting a 30% chance of thunderstorms and I'm still bringing the fixings for s'mores. I'm excited!!

4. God is at work on my future in ways that leave me utterly grateful and utterly speechless.

5. I'm so impressed by the things that my college group is doing now. Still faithfully walking with God and serving in some amazing ways. We are talking doctors, lawyers, PhDs and such. I am not sure I'm living up to my promise yet, but I'm honored to be a part of such a stellar group.

Tapping the Receiver

I picked up this book called Hot Tub Religion on Friday. Basically, J.I. Packer points out that we think we're hearing from God a lot, when in fact it seems we might actually be just hearing ourselves. I know this is a point of contention among people who believe God is alive today. It's interesting because I do believe God is available to us all the time. But I have gone through seasons of hearing nothing and seasons of feeling like He wouldn't stop talking. This week I was praying and then since I've been used to seeing instant answers for about the last 6 months, I thought since I didn't see them this week God must not be hearing me. It felt like somebody put a muffler on my roof, so to speak (assuming God is somewhere and that somewhere is up).

Today all day I focused on trying to hear from Him and I spent most of the day feeling like I was tapping the receiver of a telephone. God, are you there, are you there, are you there? Then this evening, after some waiting, I asked again and I felt a small voice answer back. "Dawn, I'm here." And I realized at that point that I don't really care that much if God answers my prayers for things as long as I can know He is there. As long as I don't lose that connection.

God always uses my name. I think that's special because a lot of life is about un-naming us. Assigning us statuses, positions, roles and worth based on human factors and losing bits of our individual identities and narratives in the process. It also relieves me because I have a deep fear of going crazy, schizophrenic to be exact, and I figure I'm not if what I hear is speaking in such a rational, tender way. Then I know it's God. But then again, how do I know for sure it's not just my own voice placating me? I think because I would never speak to myself using my own name (It sounds childish to me: "Dawn, go do the laundry now." Yeah, I would never say that.) And I also know it's not me because it is always simple and loving and almost all of the conversations I have with myself are highly complicated and extremely un-tender towards myself. I just recently began to realize this when I've been spending time alone and I find it very upsetting. I'd like to say I'm working on it, but part of it is my past and part is just my personality and I haven't really gotten to the work phase yet. But I hope that God will continue to break into my consciousness in a way that allows me to look at and understand the cruelty and confusion with which my mind handles my thoughts. Because it's bad.

And contrary to the relentless tenderness of my Savior.

A familiar observation vs. a startling fact

"The familiar observation that the Bible is the best-selling book of all time obscures a more startling fact: the Bible is the best-selling book of the year, every year."

Source:
http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/12/18/061218fa_fact1

You can't have it all...

Brother, You're Like a Six
by Scott Croft

Are you a single Christian man who desires to be married? Let me help. I have an idea for a personal ad:

"Single Christian male (SCM) seeks single Christian female (SCF) to love as Christ loved the church, to give himself up for her to make her holy, to love as he loves himself (Eph. 5). SCF must be absolute physical knockout (no one scoring below 9.0, please), must love to talk politics and sports, and must possess a laundry list of pre-decided personal characteristics so completely that SCM is convinced no better option could possibly be available within the next decade."

Oh, you're a single Christian woman? No problem:

"SCF seeks SCM to submit to in everything as to the Lord, to respect, to serve, to follow and to be led by in discipleship and ministry, to trust as spiritual leader of the home, and to serve Christ with for the next several decades or until Jesus comes back. SCM must possess total confidence (but can't be cocky and must trust SCF's opinion in all things); must be devastatingly handsome but have no idea that he is; must be exquisite interpersonal communicator who enjoys nothing more than long, conversations about the relationship; must understand SCF completely; and must otherwise fit description of how SCF thought 'The One' would be since SCF started thinking about it at age 11."

Too harsh? Not likely. Surveys inquiring about what singles — even professing Christian singles — look for in someone to date or marry, often receive "physically attractive," "sense of humor," "fun-loving personality," even "wealth" as the top answers.

The world tells us that the way to know whether two people are "right for each other" is to measure the white-hot physical attraction between the two, combined with the idea of "chemistry" on steroids — their ability to effortlessly have day-long conversations anytime about anything, punctuated by the quick, witty exchanges found mostly in edgy independent comedies. In our culture — and in many churches — "attraction," whether purely physical or "chemistry-related," is considered the foundational way to evaluate a potential marriage relationship.

Biblical Christians, however, are called to think differently. We are to use Scripture as the measure of our desires. We are to take every thought, every area of our lives captive to the word of God. Thankfully, "attraction" does play a role in finding a husband or wife. Read Song of Songs sometime. Biblically, however, attraction as the world understands it cannot be the foundation on which a godly marriage is built.

Let's examine two problems with the "attraction-as-foundation" approach to dating and marriage — one theological, one practical — and then look at the idea of biblical attraction.

The Theological Problem

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body." (Ephesians 5:22-30)

The fundamental theological problem with the "attraction-as-foundation" approach to dating and marriage is that the approach grossly distorts the biblical definitions of "love" and "marriage." What's the big question most people agonize over with regard to finding a spouse: "How do I know if I've found the one?" As my friend Michael Lawrence pointed out in his article "Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend," "the unstated goal of the question is 'How do I know if she's the one ... for me.'"

And that's essentially selfish. I don't mean that such an approach involves malice or the intent to hurt anyone. I simply mean that such an approach is self-centered. It conceives of finding a spouse from the standpoint of what will be most enjoyable for me based on my tastes and desires. What will I receive from marriage to this or that person?

In Scripture, love is described not as a mere emotion based on personal desire (i.e., "attraction"), but as an act of the will that leads to selfless actions toward others. According to Jesus Himself, the second-greatest commandment (after loving God) is to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31). He also said "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). Jesus' love for us did not result from our inherent loveliness or our wonderful treatment of Him. He didn't go to the cross as a spontaneous response triggered by mere emotion. His perfect love of us was a choice, an act undertaken despite our lack of attractiveness — and it led to both sacrifice and joy.

The apostle Paul agrees. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul describes the biblical definition of love in detail, and he lets us know that love isn't just felt, it does something — something selfless.

In the world's version of attraction, I'm a consumer, not a servant. I respond to attributes of yours that I like because of their potential to please me. Again, this is not malicious or evil — it's just not how we're primarily called to treat one another in Scripture. It's not the Bible's idea of love.

As for marriage, look back to the passage from Ephesians 5. Fundamentally, marriage is a beautiful (if distant) analogy of the way that Christ has perfectly loved and sacrificed for the church, and the way the church, His bride, responds to her Lord.

Marriage is incredibly fun; it's also incredibly hard. For most people it is the greatest act of ministry and service to another person that they will ever undertake. Husbands are literally called to "give themselves up for" their wives. Wives are called to submit to, respect, and serve their husbands "as to the Lord." Though husbands and wives receive countless blessings from a biblical marriage, the very idea of biblical marriage describes an act — many acts — of love, service, sacrifice, and ministry toward a sinful human being. According to Scripture, marriage is anything but a selfish endeavor. It is a ministry.

What sense does it make to undertake that ministry based primarily on a list of self-centered (and often petty) preferences? If your idea of attraction — whatever that is — dominates your pursuit of a spouse, consider: Is your approach biblical? More on this in a minute.

The Practical Problem

The practical problem with letting "attraction" lead the way in finding a spouse is not profound: It doesn't work. If everyone demanded that their quirky, secular notions of attractiveness or chemistry be perfectly fulfilled before they would agree to marry a person, no one would marry.

I once counseled a Christian brother in his dating relationship with a great woman. She was godly, caring, and bright. She was attractive, but not a supermodel. For weeks I listened to this brother agonize over his refusal to commit and propose to this woman. He said they were able to talk well about a lot of things, but there were a few topics he was interested in that she couldn't really engage with, and sometimes the conversation "dragged."

He also said that, while he found her basically attractive, there was one feature of hers that he "just pictured differently" on the woman he would marry. I would ask about her godliness and character and faith, and he said all those things were stellar (and he was right). Finally, he said, "I guess I'm looking for a 'ten'."

I could hold back no longer. Without really thinking, I responded, "You're looking for a 'ten'? But, brother, look at yourself. You're like a 'six.' If you ever find the woman you're looking for, and she has your attitude, what makes you think she would have you?"

Here's something else the world won't tell you. Even if you find your "perfect ten" — however you define "ten" — marriage is still hard. When you search for a spouse, you are looking for someone (a sinner, like you) who you will be serving God and living the Christian life with until Christ returns or one of you dies.

In that context, even a really good sense of humor will only get you so far. Physical attractiveness (as defined by the world) fades in 100 percent of people, including you. "Chemistry" as the world defines it ebbs and flows in any relationship. Your spouse can be as fun-loving as he or she can possibly be and there will still be many moments that aren't fun. Your spouse can have the best personality you've ever seen and he or she will still drive you absolutely batty sometimes if you live with him or her for the rest of your life. You can marry someone who appears to be an omni-competent genius, and there will still be times that neither of you knows what to do next. Knowing that is part of maturing as a person and as a believer, and believe it or not, it's part of what makes marriage wonderful and special.

As you seek someone with whom to serve God in marriage, build on something more than what might make for a few fun dates or an impressive "catch" in the world's eyes.

Biblical Attraction

What then? Am I saying that attraction and chemistry have no place in your consideration of whom to marry? No. Does biblical faithfulness require that we all run out and marry the godliest, most personally grating person we can find? Of course not.

In God's kindness to us, He doesn't just nourish us, He has provided an infinite variety of foods that not only keep us alive, but that also taste good to us. In the same way, God has graciously given us physical attraction, chemistry, and pleasure to make marriage and its unique intimacy that much sweeter to us. That's good and right.

Enjoy those things, but don't be a slave to them. Desire them, but have a realistic idea of what those words mean in a fallen world, and the limited role they should play in one of the most important decisions of your Christian life. Remember, "the movies" aren't real, and they aren't the standard. It's not that attraction makes no difference, but it shouldn't make the difference.

What should make the difference? Well, the Bible talks about the characteristics of godly men and women. These are the things that the Lord Himself considers to be good attributes, or, to use a different word, "attractive."

Is your potential spouse clearly a believer in Jesus (2 Cor. 6:14)? Does he/she exhibit the fruit of the Spirit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5)? Does he/she show clear regard and care for others? Does he/she show evident love for God in how he/she spends time and money, how he/she interacts with others?

Women, is this a man you respect? Could you envision yourself submitting to and following him over the course of your lives together? Do you believe he will care well for you and your children? Will he serve you above himself and encourage your spiritual growth, as he is called to do in Ephesians 5? Is he growing in the characteristics of biblical manhood (1 Timothy 3, Titus 1 and 1 Peter 3)?

Men, do you believe this woman will care for you well and be a good mother and discipler to your children? Is she growing in the characteristics of biblical womanhood and what the Bible calls "true beauty" (Proverbs 31, 1 Peter 3, Titus 2)? Do you envision her being supportive of you in whatever ministry God may call you to?

My friend's view is not rare, and he's not a bad guy. He would not have married a woman who met his laundry list of requirements but wasn't clearly a believer. He valued godliness; he just demanded godliness and total compliance with his list. That's the subtle selfishness that creeps in. I can have both. I can have it all.

My brother or sister, if that had been Jesus' approach to love, you and I would still be in our sins. Forget the fantasy. Glorify the Lord in the way you choose a spouse. Let the Inventor of attraction and beauty reform your thinking, and your marriage will be rich.
Copyright © 2006 Scott Croft. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

what to think...I don't know...

I don't know what to think...what to think, I don't know...

God, I trust you. I really really do. Not in an anxious way, but I really do give this to You. I put it all in Your hands and I know I will be fine - that's the type of trust I give You.

In the midst of my unsettled heart, I can look heavenward and know You are settled. In the midst of my own little war, I know You are peace. In the midst of self-condemnation, I know You are grace. I know I am favored and blessed among women. To see Your favor, I only have to look back at what You have done. You are the Ancient of Days. My name is engraved on the palms of Your hands. Dawn. I'm not sure how my middle name can get there, but it's engraved too. Rosalie. All the days of my life were written in Your book before the world began.

You are permanence and order and creation from the beginning of the world. You hold the planets in orbit with your finger tip. I am so glad I found myself in You. I am found in You, I am known as Yours. All of my soul cries out with love for You, and I want for nothing more.

You've got the whole world in Your hands...
You've got my whole life in Your hands...

I...wouldn't have missed this for the world...wouldn't have missed loving you girl...

I really wouldn't have missed this for the world...it was an amazing weekend....possibly life-changing...scratch that...definitely life-changing. Even if no one else was changed, I was. Deb commented that she's fascinated by how vulnerable I am allowing myself to be in this situation. And I am. I'm not sure why, but I am running with my heart - living from my heart. And I think it's a good thing, but only time will tell. And what does one do in the waiting? I'm not sure. Tries to re-center oneself on God I guess. I don't think I'm being that patient, so obviously God is still working on me. But I finally made it to a settled place today. Hopeful but settled. I looked around the room at my lovely Life Group ladies and realized how much I like each and every one of them. I realized my life is really full and sweet, like a ripe nectarine. I am plump with hopefulness that He will bring forth goodness and I am stable enough to handle it if He doesn't. It's a good place to be, a good way to feel.

It is Well....With My Soul...