The pen is mightier than the sword

In this post, I was reacting to quite a lot of hurt and frustration with the Experiment. It got me in trouble. There was some concern about who might look bad because of it. And that made me wonder if I would look bad. And for a while I thought, Gosh, I don't want to look bad in church. I don't want to hurt any people in church. Because I LOVE my church. Rockharbor has shepherded me, pastored me, cared for me. Most of the spiritual growth I've done was during services, crying at the crosses, asking Jesus to forgive me and those who've sinned against me. Asking Jesus for his nourishment, to feed me with the Eucharist, with his body and blood. To allow me to be in Holy Communion with his saints and convince me that he'll always feed me, even when I can't feed myself. Most of my healing from past spiritual abuse occurred in the context of co-leading a life group. Working out community with people in love and commitment to our mutual development, despite our total depravity, despite falling victim over and over to the same sins.

BUT--- But --- but....I guess I should've known not to expect too much when I look back now and realize we all applied to be celebrities. We all applied to be photographed like Britney Spears and I mean seriously, look at the devastation that has ensued for her. We are fragile human beings and must treat one another as such. We must treat each other with relentless tenderness despite the thorny responses we get. Any group that gets together and wants to serve the Lord by showing others "how it's done" is a big piece of crappy fly-ridden lies and only setting itself up for implosion. Although we were within the context of the church, we had no idea what we were doing or where we were going. And I sold little pieces of my soul along the way. I'm not mad, it's no one's fault but my own, but I'm saddened and disturbed at the parts of my soul that I now find missing when I'm searching for Jesus.

The most profound thing I learned in the Experiment is that God could not F-ing care whether or not we have a big darn vision. To quote Garrett, "God isn't interested in turning the oceanliner around. He is trying to sink the oceanliner and send us all out in rowboats."

He wants us to do small things with great love. He doesn't need you to start crusades under Billy Bob Ministries and drive a Rolls Royce. Also he doesn't hate the rich. If you're rich, that's what you are, just like I'm brown-eyed and can't do nothing about it. So enjoy it, give lots away, lavish it on those who've never had that, die completely broke and honor the Lord. Take care of your family
(um, and by care I don't mean help them learn to luxuriate in fine things). Teach your children the commandments. Read the Bible for what it really says. And stop trying to outdo God with your big vision. For what does the Lord require of you but to love justice and do mercy and walk humbly with your God.

The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community even if their intentions are ever so earnest. But the person who loves those around them will create community. - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It's not easy to grasp a vision for the world that is a kingdom or an empire bigger than Rome, but as small as a mustard seed. This is the God who creates the universe, but chooses to be born in a manger. - Shane Claiborne

I feel like...

I feel like I am not being given any credit for what I've invested.
I feel like I'm being treated as someone unknown, who is not to be trusted.
I feel like my feelings and my struggles don't matter.
I feel like I am being judged on human standards.
I feel like I want my heart to be known.
I feel like we have missed Jesus and people while speeding the train along at 90 mph.
I feel like there have been many words and not one clear vision.
I feel like writing a vision has become the goal.
I feel like I want Jesus' vision.
I feel like we should be pointing one another toward holiness.
I feel like we avoid moving towards discipleship.
I feel like we could be sitting at the feet of Jesus and asking Him which way to go.

I feel like we started with no purpose so it's not surprising
that we ended with no outcome.
I feel continually frustrated with the withholding of information and care.
I feel stagnated in a community not marked by personal relationship.
I feel tired of changing directions again.
I feel stuck in between two hard decisions.
I feel hurt that no one wants to come and stand in my shoes.
I feel alone in the voicing of my needs.
I feel trapped by a commitment made without clarity.
I feel like I am misunderstood.
I feel I am lost in a forest.
I feel disappointed in the method.

I feel like it's more important to check the box "I finished well" than to be myself.
I feel like that's just not in God's plan.
I feel like God is asking me to hold my expectations out and release them.
I feel like He is calling me out of the darkness.
I feel like He is naming me.
I feel like my worth is not dependent on my actions.
I feel like I am seeing clearly.
I feel like I know Him even better than I did.
I feel like His light contrasts my black silhouette of faith.
I feel like His firm hand will light the way.
I feel like He will direct my steps.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.

For you now you see as through a glass darkly, but then shall you see face to face. Now you know in part, but then shall you know even as you are known.

Christian outsourcing - the sequel

And then he took it even farther. He said,

In that case, why don't we just outsource the entire Rockharbor staff? We can hire pastors in India for a fraction of the salary and have the sermons sent over on video feeds. They can email us their wise counsel and bible study curriculum. Come to think of it, why do I even need to sit in church for an hour every week at all? I can just pay someone else to sit there for me while I'm out having fun with friends. They can summarize the sermon in bullet points and give it to me.

Why not do that? Oh yeah. Because it's about ME. I have to experience God. I have to commit to Him. I have to know Jesus and share Him. I have to choose the better of two choices. I have to follow-through on my commitments. My character won't be developed if I wait for it to happen. I have to choose the experiences that will facilitate that growth. I am an adult and I have to take responsibility for myself and choose. And I don't get a second chance.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. There aren't any do-overs. Either I go, I serve and I develop my character now, or I don't. And either which way I choose, the clock is ticking. The minutes are passing and I only get 70 years on this earth. If I don't use them towards loving and serving God, I can't get them back.

Christian outsourcing

Dana decided that we should slow down and focus on character development and in order to focus on that, we are not going to continue our commitments to our neighborhood service projects and we are not going back to New Orleans in the spring.

So I sent up a test balloon. I asked a friend of mine who supported me for the New Orleans trips specifically what he thought about me not using the money to go there and instead sending the money directly to Celebration Church. I knew he wouldn't care about the money that much but he would give me an honest idea of how my supporters might respond to this change.

His response?

What is this - Christian outsourcing? You ask for money and then pass it along so someone else can go do the work? Maybe you could hire someone from a third-world country to go be Jesus for you? It's probably cheaper to send him anyway. If so, send the same guy twice because he'll get to develop his character.

I'm not making this up. He really said that.

I'm taking ground

This past weekend I attended The Soul Restoration Project. I also volunteer-coordinated the Resource Table and led a small group. I was really encouraged by the turnout and that we took in enough funds to cover our expenses.

The best part of the conference for me was the final night. The session's topic was moving into the Father's house. This has always been an area where I have felt confusion and loss and God really moved in me, showing me some specific memories that needed to be healed and then showing me how what happened in those wounds was not what God, my true Father, intended. I got a beautiful picture of what God would have done in those situations if His perfect, tender love could have been present. It was powerful.

Since then, I have had just a much more satisfying lightness about me. I feel strong and able to move in the directions I want to move in. I feel confident in my abilities and confident that when I get to a place of desperation or anxiety, I know what to do to invite God into my stresses. It doesn't mean I won't ever feel lost again, but I am boldly stepping forward into dependency. Even though dependency on God is hard for me, I feel like it's the only way I will ever be able to move my heart's home into His house. And it feels like the right move.

I think it also set me up nicely for tonight's Experiment meeting where we are taking a pictorial timeline of our lives and looking at the good and the bad "critical incidents" that have shaped us so far. We are drawing symbols for the seasons of our lives and even though this can be gut-wrenching for me, I know that God will show me what to share how to look through His eyes at my story. I wouldn't say I'm exactly looking forward to it, but I'm confident that He will show up in the process.

The "Save as Draft" button

Well, it may seem like the blogging has slowed to a crawl, so if you're just dying to know what I've been thinking about, click on over to the Experiment blog and read that.

I actually have been blogging here on Blogspot, but I've been leaving a lot of posts as drafts. I'm not sure why, but nothing has felt as powerful or meaningful as I've wanted it to. Maybe I'm having a writing block, except it's a writing block that hasn't precluded me writing. It's just a writing block that has precluded my charisma or intelligence or coherence (or whatever) from coming out.

I hope the magic is still in there somewhere. Meanwhile, feel free to go elsewhere for informative, eye-opening and inspirational blogging. None will be available here.

It's not my fault.

That darn "Save as Draft" button is so tempting...

Remember Veggie Tales?

Last night when I got home from the Expos Christmas Party, I got a message about another kind of Experiment. This fascinated me so much I buzzed on over to http://www.philvischer.com/ to read the full story on what happened to Big Idea Productions, the parent company of Veggie Tales. (Subsequently, I only got 4 hours of sleep.) He is a really good storyteller (and I don't say that lightly) and it is a fascinating story of how even when all our motives are right, we can pass God up as we zoom by in the fast lane towards achieving our dreams.

This is beginning to inform my thoughts about our Rockharbor Experiment.

Two things are happening that got me thinking about the fall of Big Idea.

One, Carl dared the Expos to embrace a "Big Idea" this week (it's also known as the campaign without a name) that is going to definitely stretch our ability to believe in God for big things to happen.

Two, I have the privilege of working with some amazing, sold-out people I love and adore on a new conference called The Soul Restoration Project.

Today we had a meeting to pray for the conference and in a lot of ways I realized that even though some things are not coming together as planned, I know it will ultimately happen and succeed because God is leading it. He is birthing it and there is a need for a place to bring young people together and allow them to experience on a mini-level the kind of healing that takes place in The River. I'm so excited about what God is going to do and how He will help us create this new space for healing to happen.

As far as Carl's Big Idea, I am not sure yet how God is going to use it. But I think reading Phil's story at this stage in the game, I am starting to realize that I need to be soaking this thing in prayer and asking for God to only do what He wills. I want to follow Him and His big ideas, not give him mine and ask Him to bless them.

New Orleans, I miss you!

I know I didn't post too much about my New Orleans trip, but I am still thinking and processing about it and am still very much impacted by what we saw and did there. In the meantime, here is a clip from the church we served, Celebration Church, about their year in review. It blows me away when I think about how different this is from what this last year was like at Rockharbor Church in Costa Mesa.

It's a freakin' INFECTION!!

What is the Experiment? It's an infection! Tonight I went to the grocery store to deposit a check at the ATM. The ATM is out of envelopes so I go to the Customer Service desk and ask the lady if they have an envelope in their office. They check and they don't so she says I can walk right down this aisle over here and buy a box of envelopes. (Who knows if the bank will even take a check in a regular white envelope, but whatever.) So I come back to buy the envelopes and I comment, It's ironic I have to spend money to be able to deposit my money in the bank. She says something along the lines of I wish I had money to deposit. And just naturally I thought and said out loud, Well, God provides everything, so just ask Him for what you need. She says, How? I said, Just like we're talking now, talk to Him. She says, Really? And I say, Yeah, I mean I had absolutely no money on November 1st, I wanted to go to New Orleans to do Katrina Relief and I prayed and asked God and He raised $1100 of the $1200 I need so far. She says, Well I really need money, I only have $12.00 in my checking account. So I say, well I will pray for you, that God will come through and provide what you need, you just make sure to look out for it and remember that it's God doing it, ok? I lean over the counter and look at her nametag. Alycia, I say, I really am going to pray for you that God will provide finances for you. So look out for it and remember what I said.

I'm sure this lady thinks I'm crazy. Gregg commented that I probably totally came out of left field for her. Which is fine, because for once in my life, I didn't feel weird at all about being honest about what God is doing. He IS providing for me. I am miraculously able to make ends meet. And I believe He will do this for those who ask Him. I know He provided for me for an entire life I had before I even knew Him. So why wouldn't he bless this woman who is in need? God, increase her $12.00. Send a chunkload of money out of the blue to her. And God, help her to know that You are real right now. Right now, you are I AM in eternity and you are I AM in this moment at 7:17 PM on Saturday December 2nd in 2006. Help her to see the money coming from You and not the person's hands that deliver it to her.

I've come to the conclusion that I've been changed. I'm NOT like this. Or I should say, I have never been like this. But God is changing me. The mission field is HERE and now. What is the Experiment? It's this infection. I went to New Orleans. I met people who were torn down and faced my own torn-down-ness. And God infected me with purpose. I already knew what God was doing in my life right here in my own town, but He loosed my lips to talk about it. He freed me to see the person standing in front of me at the grocery store as the mission. Not as a project, but as someone precious to God and no one has ever told her how to pray to Him. And He needed me to just say, Well, it's just like talking out loud to me. Just ask for what you need. He's listening.

What is the Experiment? It's an infection. And it's taking over my body.

Katrina, Day 1

Day one has come and gone. I considered blogging about the travel day, but then I realized I can just include the highlights of that day in Day One's blog. So we got up at 4:00am yesterday to arrive at the airport at 5:00am. Ok, this is too slow. Fast forward to the first highlight. I met this realtor on the plane from Dallas to New Orleans who told me story after story about people here who are now coming back to their homes and dealing with gutting them to re-build, selling them or trying to even live in them. Her stories from the flood were the most powerful. She told me about a man and his wife who didn't have much packed and hadn't planned to evacuate and so when the flooding came, they went up the trapdoor into the attic. All the man had was a screwdriver, no other tools, so he spent something like 7 hours that night scraping the roof to make a hole so they could get air and finally a big enough hole to climb out of so they could sit on the roof, where they stayed for 2 days until a boat came by and picked them up. All that first night, the water was up to the ceiling, so the attic trapdoor was banging back and forth. Can you imagine?

Today we spent the entire day working on a house. I think it was a pastor's house because we found checks for the general fund of a church. Now their family lives outside on the front lawn in a 150 square foot FEMA trailer. And they've been there since Katrina. There were still closets full of clothes, a vacuum, lamps, etc. We tore down the interior walls and removed all the insulation and fiberglass, leaving just a frame.

All day I kept singing to myself this song:

Stepping forward
Keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go