the L word

I told him never to say it. But he broke the last rule.

And how anyone could've heard that and walked away....I just don't know, man...

I just don't know...

Pink trim

Last week my uncle told me that when I was born, my dad painted the trim on our house pink in honor of the occasion.

That is all... and that has made all the difference...

I'm living in the Old Testament

I went to visit my dad Sunday night. He's building a second home on his property so he can move into it and tear down and then rebuild his main home. It's crazy. The new main home will have a gym and sauna and two offices, one with 250 degrees of views of the ocean. I can't believe we are related. It's seriously like the parables in the NT of the man who build a big house. My dad's house is being built solidly, (not on sand like the parable) but ultimately when it's all done, what will he have? A place to live that's not all that different than the current house. I'm not sure what to think. It's this huge investment in getting something customized to their taste, but it's simply not something I would invest that much money in. I can't believe how guilty I will feel sometimes when I spend an extra $15 at Ross and ijn comparison my dad is spending hordes of money on this new house. I don't really have an opinion on it yet, I'm still not sure if I think it's a good idea or not. But either way, it's happening.

Bearing Burdens

Sometimes I remember what it's like to bear burdens.

I carry a really old Toshiba laptop to class every day so I can take notes on it. I carry my regular backpack with my books and binder in it and then I carry my laptop bag with my laptop in it on one shoulder. It is probably 15lbs or more and I was walking with it today when I realized that to other people it probably registers as 5-10 lbs hanging off the end of my hand, but it's heavy enough to be painful to my back and neck. It feels to heavy to me, but it probably looks light to others. Isn't that the way?

I probably wouldn't look at someone and offer them help unless I saw them visibly stagger under the weight of their burden but I realized today as I'm walking that I've gotten pretty good at smiling despite carrying a heavy burden. And not staggering so it doesn't appear as though anything is wrong. I'm a survivor. And not in the thats-my-name-because-I-did-something-impressive way. More in the sense that my default position in life, my position that I set into when things are tough, is that of a survivor.

Fireworks

kissing
under a sky of fireworks
i've been contemplating
the way i was kissed
recently
it was owed
it was demanded
expected
forced
and for all my resistance
it was done
i hated it
and i didn't say anything

it's not his fault
this is what i do
i feel wrong and i decide it must be right
it must be me
i fixate on the moment
i throw myself in recklessly
without regard
without self
selflessly
until wrong feels right and
right feels numbing
and i can't remember
what i wanted anymore

i allow myself to be consumed
burned up
and
the ashes drift away

if i'm glad i have been lusted after
than never kissed at all
is it wrong or right?
or
is it just
fireworks
it is worse to have been loved well and remember
than to forever dream of what might be
but the bittersweet burn
of hope twice deferred
is ruining me

it used to be
the wanting was simpler
he wanted the possibility of me
the hope of dreams dreamt with me
there was gentleness and trust
i refuse to transact with these lips
they will give only gifts

but the wanting's gotten complicated
its developed a procedure, a method, a plan
a goal
my self
for life
i'm not even sure i would want myself for life
but now he's analyzing
and scrutinizing
am i the perfect prize?

decorate me and i'll dance for you?
purchase my time and possess my body?
my soul doesn't comprehend this
why
i can't live with these lies

i've miraculously won and then painfully lost
all that made my body awake
i dream vividly of
an eleventh hour reprieve
so i remember the burn
and i don't forget to breathe
and just breathing feels all right



"Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it’s just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it’s coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It’s even breathing
Feels all right"
-Alexi Murdoch, All My Days

The Angels win again...

Well, actually they lost tonight - 5 to 3, Kansas City. And I almost lost my lunch after eating wayyyy too much snack bar food. I went a little crazy with the nachos. But metaphorically speaking, the angels are winning...

Or more accurately, I am choosing to let them win. My better angels wage a daily war with the church ladies in my head. And usually the topic of strife is love. We are all looking for it, it seems in such short supply and I find myself and the people around me just angsting over it constantly. (I know, angsting isn't a verb. But it should be.) And I find myself being swept along in this idea that romance is what will fulfill me. But I know it won't. My better angels are whispering all the time that I won't ever find true fulfillment outside of waiting on God's will for my life on earth and His will for my life in heaven. Every beautiful day is just a hint of what's to come. I had an immensely satisfying birthday this year and I'm delighted to turn 26; totally unexpected! And that's just a zephyr of the satisfaction I will feel when I'm face to face with my Maker. Do I have longings that are like an open wound in my side? Yes. But when they become all of me, I am not who I am intended to be.

I realized this weekend that I have been dating for 10 years. Since I was 16, I have had a revolving door of men. And I've learned a lot from it, but I am realizing I'm done with the revolving door. I took about 5 years in there somewhere and just chose not to date at all, from about 19-23. And I think I grew so much in those years. I know I was so close to God, so close to the deep pain in my soul; but also able to easily bring it to Him without the complications of relationships. While I am grateful for the men I have known, they have treated me with amazing care and sweetness, I look back and feel like little chips of my heart have been left with each one. Each time you go through that initial excitement, that initial question of the heart- Can you really see and love me? something happens to your hopefulness. It expands so wide, but like a balloon, if you blow it up too many times, eventually it no longer inflates with the same firm shape. I guess my heart feels a little like that ragged balloon. Deflated and unsure if it can ever be inflated again.

It's so weird to feel like I'm at the end of the road, when I know the journey is just beginning. My soul feels old. But I think my exhaustion is my better angels winning. Allowing me to grow faint, so God can pick me up under His wings and fly me onward.

They say we all have a question that must be answered. I think mine is How long? How long, O Lord? I don't believe I can continue to bear up under this, whatever this is. It's been so many things. The weight of pain, the weight of waiting, the weight of healing, the weight of wanting. But my better angels are helping me to lean into the wanting and the waiting, instead of trying to unburden myself of the weight by taking over control.

Lord, I so vocally want Your will to take me overseas, but I'm much more hesitant about Your will that might say work unto the Lord here at this job. Lord, I so vocally desire Your hand to show me the way, but I am so reluctant to listen and heed Your words before I begin the journey. Would you shape my soul? Shape it. Mold it to the form of the sorrow on the brow of Your Son. The One. The One who knows all my needs. Who can so easily solve all my perplexedness. God, when I'm turning around in circles, chasing my own tail, help me to look to You. Help me to find quiet and remember that Your angels are already answering my question. Help to listen for the answer. My soul needs to know that You are in control. My soul needs to rest in Your control. God, would You put Your steadying hand on my girlish heart that already feels old? Renew the balloon, Lord. Keep it guarded and safe for the one who will want to know it.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Ill be watching you

Oh, cant you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
Ill be watching you

Since youve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please...

He Said/She Said

He Said...
You want to have a beer at the baseball game.
You aren't working in the field of your major.
I feel entitled to rate girls using my own system.

She Said...
What do you need Jesus for?
How does your behavior reflect a noble character?

This week in the River we are talking about misogyny and misandry. Fitting, I suppose...

what to think...I don't know...

I don't know what to think...what to think, I don't know...

God, I trust you. I really really do. Not in an anxious way, but I really do give this to You. I put it all in Your hands and I know I will be fine - that's the type of trust I give You.

In the midst of my unsettled heart, I can look heavenward and know You are settled. In the midst of my own little war, I know You are peace. In the midst of self-condemnation, I know You are grace. I know I am favored and blessed among women. To see Your favor, I only have to look back at what You have done. You are the Ancient of Days. My name is engraved on the palms of Your hands. Dawn. I'm not sure how my middle name can get there, but it's engraved too. Rosalie. All the days of my life were written in Your book before the world began.

You are permanence and order and creation from the beginning of the world. You hold the planets in orbit with your finger tip. I am so glad I found myself in You. I am found in You, I am known as Yours. All of my soul cries out with love for You, and I want for nothing more.

You've got the whole world in Your hands...
You've got my whole life in Your hands...

Glimpses of Glory

We are hurt; we are lonely; and we turn to music or words, and as compensation beyond all price we are given glimpses of the world on the other side of time and space. We all have glimpses of glory as children, and as we grow up we forget them, or are taught to think we made them up; they couldn't possibly have been real, because to most of us who are grown up, reality is like radium, and can be borne only in very small quantities. But we are meant to be real, and to see and recognize the real. We are all more than we know, and that wondrous reality, that wholeness, holiness, is there for all of us, not the qualified only.
Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water

I'm trying

"If you have come to help me, please leave. However, if you have come because your liberation is tied to my own, then let's work together."

How accurately that describes me today.

I'm trying to get help from the church, because I have been told so often in the church that everything is a spiritual issue, that God wants my whole self and will work most powerfully and effectively when I bring my whole self; but I feel like it's a two-edged sword in my side. Here I am, doing what I think God is asking me to do, bringing my problems to the church and then I feel two pushes back.

One is that I don't really want to be this real in church; I want to be a new me, the becoming-idealized me. I want to be the me that is being called out of the old and into the new and transformed into the person God intends me to be. And I don't want the old things to be chained to me as I try to pursue newer, more healthy ways of being. I didn't create the darkness, so I want the justice of not being required to take responsibility for what I didn't do.

The other thing that is pushing back at me is the church, the way that it is structured as pastors having meetings and "doing" the work of the church. But that's never how God intended it. He intended pastoring to be mutual. He intended it to look like me being broken and that qualifying me more so to be able to pastor others, not the other way around. I feel disqualified. I feel like I have outed myself and now I can't be trusted to minister to others. Which isn't the way it should be in God's kingdom.

He intended my most relevant relationships to be my closest relationships; not my most relevant to be these non-intimate business-like connections with a man whose job it is to stand up on the podium and impact my life for Jesus. If my daily phone calls with the people who love me aren't impacting me to choose life and to choose being beloved, that how is the podium guy going to change my life? Other than to make me feel guilty that I'm not choosing enough life or choosing my belovedness enough? I'm not ever doing that enough, but I need people, real live water-based humans to sit in front of me and help me consider my options and choose life.

So I'm trying...and all I've got right now is my trying...

And I'm hoping...for a response...

And God was small...

I was really inspired by this homily from Midnight Mass and so I'm sharing it with you. (Even if he wears red Prada shoes, Pope Benedict certainly knows Jesus a little bit.) Today has been a good day. As I was driving home from Christmas festivities, I realized that one reason Christmas has traditionally been hard for me is that in my family so much is made of it. It seems that every moment is fraught with "Are we fulfilling every detail of this tradition? Are we topping last year's food and presents? Are we having more people over and more things to do than we ever did before?" And making it big has never made it good for me. This year it was GOOD and the reason is, it was small. God came small. He came as a tiny baby in a manger. He came poverty-stricken with no hope for grandeur. Thank you, Jesus, that this day could be small and ordinary and yet so extraordinary. I can't remember as stress-free a Christmas as this in years. I'm so glad I got to spend it remembering your birthday, and remembering that it's also just another Monday.

*Pope Benedict XVI's midnight mass homily:

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

We have just heard in the Gospel the message given by the angels to the shepherds during that Holy Night, a message which the Church now proclaims to us: "To you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger" (Lk 2:11-12). Nothing miraculous, nothing extraordinary, nothing magnificent is given to the shepherds as a sign. All they will see is a child wrapped in swaddling clothes, one who, like all children, needs a mother’s care; a child born in a stable, who therefore lies not in a cradle but in a manger. God ’s sign is the baby in need of help and in poverty. Only in their hearts will the shepherds be able to see that this baby fulfils the promise of the prophet Isaiah, which we heard in the first reading: "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government will be upon his shoulder" (Is 9:5). Exactly the same sign has been given to us. We too are invited by the angel of God, through the message of the Gospel, to set out in our hearts to see the child lying in the manger.

God’s sign is simplicity. God’s sign is the baby. God’s sign is that he makes himself small for us. This is how he reigns. He does not come with power and outward splendour. He comes as a baby – defenceless and in need of our help. He does not want to overwhelm us with his strength. He takes away our fear of his greatness. He asks for our love: so he makes himself a child. He wants nothing other from us than our love, through which we spontaneously learn to enter into his feelings, his thoughts and his will – we learn to live with him and to practise with him that humility of renunciation that belongs to the very essence of love. God made himself small so that we could understand him, welcome him, and love him. The Fathers of the Church, in their Greek translation of the Old Testament, found a passage from the prophet Isaiah that Paul also quotes in order to show how God’s new ways had already been foretold in the Old Testament. There we read: "God made his Word short, he abbreviated it" (Is 10:23; Rom 9:28). The Fathers interpreted this in two ways. The Son himself is the Word, the Logos; the eternal Word became small – small enough to fit into a manger. He became a child, so that the Word could be grasped by us. In this way God teaches us to love the little ones. In this way he teaches us to love the weak. In this way he teaches us respect for children. The child of Bethlehem directs our gaze towards all children who suffer and are abused in the world, the born and the unborn. Towards children who are placed as soldiers in a violent world; towards children who have to beg; towards children who suffer deprivation and hunger; towards children who are unloved. In all of these it is the Child of Bethlehem who is crying out to us; it is the God who has become small who appeals to us. Let us pray this night that the brightness of God’s love may enfold all these children. Let us ask God to help us do our part so that the dignity of children may be respected. May they all experience the light of love, which mankind needs so much more than the material necessities of life.

And so we come to the second meaning that the Fathers saw in the phrase: "God made his Word short". The Word which God speaks to us in Sacred Scripture had become long in the course of the centuries. It became long and complex, not just for the simple and unlettered, but even more so for those versed in Sacred Scripture, for the experts who evidently became entangled in details and in particular problems, almost to the extent of losing an overall perspective. Jesus "abbreviated" the Word – he showed us once more its deeper simplicity and unity. Everything taught by the Law and the Prophets is summed up – he says – in the command: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind… You shall love your neighbour as yourself" (Mt 22:37-40). This is everything – the whole faith is contained in this one act of love which embraces God and humanity. Yet now further questions arise: how are we to love God with all our mind, when our intellect can barely reach him? How are we to love him with all our heart and soul, when our heart can only catch a glimpse of him from afar, when there are so many contradictions in the world that would hide his face from us? This is where the two ways in which God has "abbreviated" his Word come together. He is no longer distant. He is no longer unknown. He is no longer beyond the reach of our heart. He has become a child for us, and in so doing he has dispelled all doubt. He has become our neighbour, restoring in this way the image of man, whom we often find so hard to love. For us, God has become a gift. He has given himself. He has entered time for us. He who is the Eternal One, above time, he has assumed our time and raised it to himself on high. Christmas has become the Feast of gifts in imitation of God who has given himself to us. Let us allow our heart, our soul and our mind to be touched by this fact! Among the many gifts that we buy and receive, let us not forget the true gift: to give each other something of ourselves, to give each other something of our time, to open our time to God. In this way anxiety disappears, joy is born, and the feast is created. During the festive meals of these days let us remember the Lord’s words: "When you give a dinner or a banquet, do not invite those who will invite you in return, but invite those whom no one invites and who are not able to invite you" (cf. Lk 14:12-14). This also means: when you give gifts for Christmas, do not give only to those who will give to you in return, but give to those who receive from no one and who cannot give you anything back. This is what God has done: he invites us to his wedding feast, something which we cannot reciprocate, but can only receive with joy. Let us imitate him! Let us love God and, starting from him, let us also love man, so that, starting from man, we can then rediscover God in a new way!

And so, finally, we find yet a third meaning in the saying that the Word became "brief" and "small". The shepherds were told that they would find the child in a manger for animals, who were the rightful occupants of the stable. Reading Isaiah (1:3), the Fathers concluded that beside the manger of Bethlehem there stood an ox and an ass. At the same time they interpreted the text as symbolizing the Jews and the pagans – and thus all humanity – who each in their own way have need of a Saviour: the God who became a child. Man, in order to live, needs bread, the fruit of the earth and of his labour. But he does not live by bread alone. He needs nourishment for his soul: he needs meaning that can fill his life. Thus, for the Fathers, the manger of the animals became the symbol of the altar, on which lies the Bread which is Christ himself: the true food for our hearts. Once again we see how he became small: in the humble appearance of the host, in a small piece of bread, he gives us himself.

All this is conveyed by the sign that was given to the shepherds and is given also to us: the child born for us, the child in whom God became small for us. Let us ask the Lord to grant us the grace of looking upon the crib this night with the simplicity of the shepherds, so as to receive the joy with which they returned home (cf. Lk 2:20). Let us ask him to give us the humility and the faith with which Saint Joseph looked upon the child that Mary had conceived by the Holy Spirit. Let us ask the Lord to let us look upon him with that same love with which Mary saw him. And let us pray that in this way the light that the shepherds saw will shine upon us too, and that what the angels sang that night will be accomplished throughout the world: "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whom he is pleased." Amen!

*End of homily

I'm literally over-joyed this Christmas at how God has shown up in the midst of some serious pain and grieving. Here's the song that's been running through my head today:

These feet of mine can't stop from dancing
These hands of mine, can't help but raise
This voice of mine, can't keep from singing
And my heart just overflows, my heart just overflows
With His goodness and grace

So this is Christmas...and what have you done...another year over...a new one just begun...

I loved these image messages I got from Onetruth.com when I was ordering Christmas presents.

Self-Hatred

I remember when I was a kid and it seemed like if I shut my eyes tight enough I could erase the bad/embarrassing/chaotic things happening around me or to me. It's really not all that crazy of a tactic if you ask me. But somewhere along about high school, it stopped working. No matter how much I tried to believe that people couldn't see me and I couldn't see myself or my world if my eyes were closed, I could still feel the world around me. Very disappointing. It seems the adult equivalent of this is alcohol. Since I don't really want to become an alcoholic, I pretty much have to rely on God to give me His love for me, when I don't have any for myself. And frankly, He doesn't always come through. Lots of days go by where I can be free to live and love and grow, but then days happen where I see a picture of myself or I hear my own voice and I just want to sink into the ground. Becoming one with the dirt seems like a really good idea in those moments and I have to FIGHT to remember that I have a purpose on earth. I am heartened when I remember that the purpose isn't just me surviving and thriving. My purpose is other people and getting free from my self-hatred long enough to love someone else. To be an ear when ugly things come out of mouths, realities never spoken before. It is a privilege, this life that I got, and I am needed in it even when I don't want to be needed and when I think the world would be better off without me. Jesus, help me stop this sin against myself. Give me your love for me when I don't have any.

It's not that I don't want to hear it...

I've heard a lot of people say that they have a hard time hearing the voice of God, but for me I feel like it's more as though God is always speaking and I have only a small tolerance to take my hands off my ears and hear what He is saying. There's so much He's saying, but I don't have the capacity to hear it all. I am not ready for it
so I have to cover my ears and take it in smaller doses.

Whenever people argue about who is right, I want to shout: "There are all kinds of truth happening at any one given time." Just look at the Bible; 66 books and all those truths have to coexist in the universe together at one time.

And sometimes I feel like all that truth is crowding in on me. I'm just a little human ant, I don't have the ability to hear it all at once. It would be bad for my digestion.

I guess I should fill in some of the blanks:
1. I got accepted to the Experiment. (See link on previous post.)
2. I am going to New Orleans in November to do Katrina Relief for a week.

Tonight I prayed with them and I felt like God was pushing my hands away from my ears. The first three people prayed in ways that directly connected with me. I nearly cried. I felt like God was saying, See? See, you can do this.

You can take one day at a time. You can get on the plane on one day. You can sleep on the cot that night. You can get up the next morning and take instructions. You can work all day. You can sleep at night. You can do this for 5 days. I will walk with You.

But I don't believe.

I don't believe this will happen. I don't believe He can do it. I don't believe I won't come home on a gurney. I am certain of disaster. I'm afraid and my faith seems so frail after all I have been through with my body. I thought emotional brokenness was hard, but the physical kind has been so draining. I have spent a good 10 months waiting to feel totally good again. I can't even remember what it felt like because when you feel fine, you don't notice it. I keep believing that if I could remember what it felt like not to feel the pain, I could re-establish it. That underscoring good feeling where you don't notice it because it's just always there. Or not there.

I am looking for that not there feeling. It's lost forever. But I am not hopeless. There has been progress and I am choosing to chant the beauty of the good.

I am walking/running at least 30 minutes a day religiously and that is helping. I do have a weird clicking in my right hip at times when I do this. If I move so it won't click, my hamstring starts to tighten up. If I let it continue to click, eventually whatever is clicking starts to hurt.

But the exercise helps. I am not religious about most things, except my dental care, but religiosity is helping in this case. My goal is to do 21 days, because the statistics people say that 21 days creates a habit.

I'm on day 13.

Pray for me.

If you had gone to the Shark Club at 11:30 today, you would get this...

Ralph Waldo Emerson:

Do not waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.

It's you and me, J.

I was just reading this article on the ooze from a guy who kind of barely knew Rich Mullins at Cincinnati Bible College. This entire loooong article is about the miniscule interactions they had and how Rich could never remember his name and when they finally met up and got to connect on a real level, the guy tells Rich his whole long personal story of his journey with God, and at the end Rich has to sincerely ask, "What was your name again, man?"

Fame is so interesting. I haven't met anyone who doesn't want to be famous. And in the absence of fame, we want to be associated with fame. Try this at a party. Ask people to name all the famous people they've ever met. You probably can't name all the people you've shared a meal with, but we can all name the famous people we've met, or famous places we've been. In church they would say this is a search for significance, or a need to be known in community, which rockharbor talked about this past weekend. But I think I have found some significance and I am known in community somewhat, so for me the lesson on fame is that it's not about me and Rich Mullins. It's not about my friend's friend who is an actor on a TV show. It's not about getting seats to see Oprah live. It's not about the time I met a famous actress when I was a kid.

The lesson about fame is that life is about who you know and who knows you, and the most important person to know is Jesus. And the most important person to know you, to see you and be connected with you is Jesus. When I start to hear my own media (especially people analyzing or admiring my faith) and I start to get freaked out by people's expectations of me, I remember that my life is only going to be measured by how well I knew Jesus. It's not the time I spend with prime ministers that defines me, but the time I spend with the one who loves me and knows me intimately. He knows my stress, my pain, my hurts and my joys. He knows what makes me feel loved and what makes me feel betrayed. And whenever I get stuck in an awful pattern of building up someone else's media, He reminds me that I need Him more by having that person let me down. Not that they necessarily doing anything wrong, but I start to feel that my praise for them has over-stayed itself. And rightly so because their humanity cannot hold that kind of worship. Worship is for the one who can receive it and hold it. And a love that is limitless is the best kind of relationship for my heart. I am a needy girl. I need to be consumed with my love for someone and I need that person to see me for who I am and be endlessly in love with me.

Thank you Jesus that you are a heavenly dad who will never listen to my prayers and heart-aches for an hour and then pick up your head and say, "What's your name again?" You know all about what is in my heart and that makes me want to spend more and more time with you telling you what is in my heart. I want to bless you with all the blessing your infinite self can hold.

It's the only networking I need.

Underestimated

There is a moment in my memory that has stayed with me for a very long time. I was underestimated once, in a way that was so confusingly salient to me.

I've been watching some really excellent movies and TV lately, and I asked my mom why it's so addictive. And she replied, "because it's story." Story is captivating. We aren't worried about whether it is true, we know whether it is true by how well it resonates with us. By how well we can see and hear the peculiarities of others within ourselves. When the voices from the screen echo into my abdomen, I know the story is true. When I can feel the rancor of the Grapes of Wrath in my fingernails, I know it's true.

I watched Proof tonight. It was a play made into a movie. It's an excellent portrayal of a family dealing with genius and mental illness ( they call it mental instability) and shame and role confusions and grief. I know that all sounds bad, but it's really quite hopeful in a lot of ways. Anyway, I really underestimated this movie. I heard it wasn't that great; that it was kind of pedantic and cerebral since it's about math. But it was so beautiful. Just tenuous and emotional and not over-spoken or over-plotted. It made its point and then it left the room. And it didn't try to wrap everything up in a neat little bow at the end. It left things right, but still messy.

So since seeing Millions, which just rocked and now Proof, it makes me wonder what other surprises life has in store for me. I think I've been so focused recently on the exact light and sounds of the train wrecks of my situations that I forget the little wisps of happy air that God can blow my way. Little puffs of lightness with a touch of fairy dust. I need to stop underestimating life. It's indomitable and deserves more respect from me.

When I was underestimated, I remember being surprised by it. I have always known who I am and for one brief second I was taken aback at how others didn't know me. What happened was my dad had this guy who was his PC guru, when he was learning how to use a PC for his business. He asked me and my brother a lot, but when we weren't available or couldn't be bothered, he called this guy Ben. Ben is a Filipino guy from the South Bay; very personable and would patiently walk my dad out of whatever situation he had gotten tangled up in. He made house calls and let my dad gripe at him, which kept him at homeostasis. Anyway, he met my dad and became his go-to guy at a point when I wasn't coming around to my dad's house much, I really don't remember why, I think I was just really busy with school. One day I dropped by my dad's house on a Saturday morning and Ben was there. I plopped down in the guest chair in the computer room, met Ben and started asking him what he was doing. We chatted for a few minutes and my dad came in. My dad made some comment like, Oh- you've met my daughter. And Ben said to me: Yeah, I've heard all about you from your dad and stepmom, but you're much nicer than they described. And my dad blushed as Ben turned to him and said, You guys acted like she's so awful, she's normal enough to me. I doubt Ben knew what he had said that day. My dad basically ignored it. But I remember thinking, how dare you. Because basically what that means is that my dad and stepmom had said something like, "Yeah, you've met his son, but his daughter, what a ****" when Ben asked about me. And I remember being taken aback because I'm not usually understimated in that way. Most of the people in my life see that I'm just a human trying to do more good than evil. And I think they know that I'm pretty transparent, what you see is what you get. I'm flawed but I'm not trying to be more or less than I am. I'm not trying to prove anything. I just want to be loved and love the people in my life the best I know how. And I have good and bad qualities, and I screw up a lot. But so does everyone else. So it was a little unsettling to find out just how little I was known by the people that purported to want to love me and be close to me. Unsettling indeed.

I learned something that day. I will not be underestimated.

Don't even go there.

The Journey of Unemployment

So, I cried for about an hour, mostly from shock. And then I got over it. And then my mom and I went out to dinner at Wood Ranch, which was delicious. And it's situations like this that make you realize how many dumb times a day annoying perky people say dumb things like, How are you? without really meaning it. Cause each time I wanted to respond, I just got fired, How the -bleep- are you?!? But of course, I didn't. I love Jesus and we already worked on my swearing, so even though I was thinkin' it, I just said, I'm fine. Which is true. Because my job was hellish.

And now I can officially sit on my tush for 6 months until I decide what to do next. Yes, friends, I am your tax dollars at work. For now, I took all my vacation pay ( the money they give you for vacation hours you didn't take) and put it in a vacation fund, because it is going to pay for me to go on an actual vacation. And I took care of all my debt management and now I am just besottedly happy to be unemployed. So without any wallowing, a shout-out to Ann, who came and stayed with me for two nights on 15 minutes notice and was the calming presence I needed and helped me to not at all deal with being canned, but really see this as a grand opportunity to make some real changes.

And without further musing-- a LIST:

5 Things That Are AWESOME in My Life Right Now:

1. I feel totally freed from worry about money. I truly believe and feel God's provision. I have never met one of His kids whom He let go hungry, and I honestly believe that He is now and will forever be taking care of me.

2. Millions - a most amazing movie I watched last night. It is seriously in my all-time Top 10 with Shawshank Redemption and Empire Records and Happy Accidents. Get it!

3. Rise and Shine by Anna Quindlen. I woke up yesterday morning, the morning after- so to speak, and on Good Morning America, they were interviewing her on this new book. I immediately wanted to get it, and later in the afternoon Borders sent me a coupon for 40% off. Dear Borders, my unemployed and broke-ass self thanks you!

4. Writing. I couldn't get to sleep after this big change in my life, so I tried the pod and that wasn't really working, but writing down the bones helped. I'm trying to figure out how this will be in my future. I know it will be, I just don't know how.

5. Centered. I felt last night for the first time in about 14 months this one strangely good feeling. And the thought that went along with it was: I am in the center of God's will. I haven't felt that way in along time. (Don't worry you party-liners, I know I have been in it, I just haven't felt that way.) Glorious!

So, you want to know what's going on with me?

I got fired. That's what's going on.