Inspiration from the B side of Where the Light Is

No i'm not the one i used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
If my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before i let you inside

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

I will beg my way into your garden
I will break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where i started
So i can watch you back all over again

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Who do you love?
Who do you love?
Who do you love me or the thought of me? me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever gets you through through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Women and the Church and Me

So I've been having some thoughts. I'm currently without church. I'm significantly more worried about this than most of my friends, who I tell this to and they immediately say, but you've got so much church around you all the time. Which is true. I am not without friends, support, etc. If I tried to become a monk or a Buddhist, no doubt there would be a line at my front door. It seems as though as much as I try, my church comes to me, not the other way around.

Therefore, since I am without church, I'm on a quest looking for church. I've tried many. But mostly I run into some main problems. One, women are not allowed to teach. (Hence, they probably won't be psyched that I'm going to seminary or psyched to help me grow into pastoring.) Two, they have some crazy beliefs. Like they think God wants us to be rich. Or they think women should read books like: "Biblical Womanhood In the Home." Hm, that's not very subtle. Are you sensing a theme here? I'm not sure what to do.

Was RockHarbor okay with women pastoring? I think so. And for some ways that they stuck to conservative interpretations on things like communion, that's a little hermeneutical leap they took on women. What with us being half the human race, I'm glad they jumped. A happy leap for me. But alas, I'm looking for some churches around here that will take the leap. And I'm afraid all I'll find is ones where I'm shamed for taking up a perfectly good spot a man could have in seminary. Boo.

Fireworks

kissing
under a sky of fireworks
i've been contemplating
the way i was kissed
recently
it was owed
it was demanded
expected
forced
and for all my resistance
it was done
i hated it
and i didn't say anything

it's not his fault
this is what i do
i feel wrong and i decide it must be right
it must be me
i fixate on the moment
i throw myself in recklessly
without regard
without self
selflessly
until wrong feels right and
right feels numbing
and i can't remember
what i wanted anymore

i allow myself to be consumed
burned up
and
the ashes drift away

if i'm glad i have been lusted after
than never kissed at all
is it wrong or right?
or
is it just
fireworks
it is worse to have been loved well and remember
than to forever dream of what might be
but the bittersweet burn
of hope twice deferred
is ruining me

it used to be
the wanting was simpler
he wanted the possibility of me
the hope of dreams dreamt with me
there was gentleness and trust
i refuse to transact with these lips
they will give only gifts

but the wanting's gotten complicated
its developed a procedure, a method, a plan
a goal
my self
for life
i'm not even sure i would want myself for life
but now he's analyzing
and scrutinizing
am i the perfect prize?

decorate me and i'll dance for you?
purchase my time and possess my body?
my soul doesn't comprehend this
why
i can't live with these lies

i've miraculously won and then painfully lost
all that made my body awake
i dream vividly of
an eleventh hour reprieve
so i remember the burn
and i don't forget to breathe
and just breathing feels all right



"Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it’s just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it’s coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It’s even breathing
Feels all right"
-Alexi Murdoch, All My Days

The Angels win again...

Well, actually they lost tonight - 5 to 3, Kansas City. And I almost lost my lunch after eating wayyyy too much snack bar food. I went a little crazy with the nachos. But metaphorically speaking, the angels are winning...

Or more accurately, I am choosing to let them win. My better angels wage a daily war with the church ladies in my head. And usually the topic of strife is love. We are all looking for it, it seems in such short supply and I find myself and the people around me just angsting over it constantly. (I know, angsting isn't a verb. But it should be.) And I find myself being swept along in this idea that romance is what will fulfill me. But I know it won't. My better angels are whispering all the time that I won't ever find true fulfillment outside of waiting on God's will for my life on earth and His will for my life in heaven. Every beautiful day is just a hint of what's to come. I had an immensely satisfying birthday this year and I'm delighted to turn 26; totally unexpected! And that's just a zephyr of the satisfaction I will feel when I'm face to face with my Maker. Do I have longings that are like an open wound in my side? Yes. But when they become all of me, I am not who I am intended to be.

I realized this weekend that I have been dating for 10 years. Since I was 16, I have had a revolving door of men. And I've learned a lot from it, but I am realizing I'm done with the revolving door. I took about 5 years in there somewhere and just chose not to date at all, from about 19-23. And I think I grew so much in those years. I know I was so close to God, so close to the deep pain in my soul; but also able to easily bring it to Him without the complications of relationships. While I am grateful for the men I have known, they have treated me with amazing care and sweetness, I look back and feel like little chips of my heart have been left with each one. Each time you go through that initial excitement, that initial question of the heart- Can you really see and love me? something happens to your hopefulness. It expands so wide, but like a balloon, if you blow it up too many times, eventually it no longer inflates with the same firm shape. I guess my heart feels a little like that ragged balloon. Deflated and unsure if it can ever be inflated again.

It's so weird to feel like I'm at the end of the road, when I know the journey is just beginning. My soul feels old. But I think my exhaustion is my better angels winning. Allowing me to grow faint, so God can pick me up under His wings and fly me onward.

They say we all have a question that must be answered. I think mine is How long? How long, O Lord? I don't believe I can continue to bear up under this, whatever this is. It's been so many things. The weight of pain, the weight of waiting, the weight of healing, the weight of wanting. But my better angels are helping me to lean into the wanting and the waiting, instead of trying to unburden myself of the weight by taking over control.

Lord, I so vocally want Your will to take me overseas, but I'm much more hesitant about Your will that might say work unto the Lord here at this job. Lord, I so vocally desire Your hand to show me the way, but I am so reluctant to listen and heed Your words before I begin the journey. Would you shape my soul? Shape it. Mold it to the form of the sorrow on the brow of Your Son. The One. The One who knows all my needs. Who can so easily solve all my perplexedness. God, when I'm turning around in circles, chasing my own tail, help me to look to You. Help me to find quiet and remember that Your angels are already answering my question. Help to listen for the answer. My soul needs to know that You are in control. My soul needs to rest in Your control. God, would You put Your steadying hand on my girlish heart that already feels old? Renew the balloon, Lord. Keep it guarded and safe for the one who will want to know it.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Ill be watching you

Oh, cant you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
Ill be watching you

Since youve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please...

I ain't settlin'

15 minutes left to throw me together
For mister right now, not mister forever
Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends
Lookin' like another maybe we could be friends
I've been leavin' it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make

I ain't settlin' just gettin' by
I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life
Tired of shootin' too low so raise the bar high.
So, I'm just not waiting up this time
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything.

With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna dance a blue streak around my livin' room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Change her mind and change her world

I ain't settlin' just gettin' by
I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life
Tired of shootin' too low so raise the bar high.
So, I'm just not waiting up this time
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything.

I ain't settlin' just gettin' by
I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life
Tired of shootin' too low so raise the bar high.
I'm just not waiting up this time

I ain't settlin' just gettin' by
I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life
Tired of shootin' too low so raise the bar high.
I ain't settlin' no, no, no, no, no, no….
So raise the bar high.

He Said/She Said

He Said...
You want to have a beer at the baseball game.
You aren't working in the field of your major.
I feel entitled to rate girls using my own system.

She Said...
What do you need Jesus for?
How does your behavior reflect a noble character?

This week in the River we are talking about misogyny and misandry. Fitting, I suppose...

I...wouldn't have missed this for the world...wouldn't have missed loving you girl...

I really wouldn't have missed this for the world...it was an amazing weekend....possibly life-changing...scratch that...definitely life-changing. Even if no one else was changed, I was. Deb commented that she's fascinated by how vulnerable I am allowing myself to be in this situation. And I am. I'm not sure why, but I am running with my heart - living from my heart. And I think it's a good thing, but only time will tell. And what does one do in the waiting? I'm not sure. Tries to re-center oneself on God I guess. I don't think I'm being that patient, so obviously God is still working on me. But I finally made it to a settled place today. Hopeful but settled. I looked around the room at my lovely Life Group ladies and realized how much I like each and every one of them. I realized my life is really full and sweet, like a ripe nectarine. I am plump with hopefulness that He will bring forth goodness and I am stable enough to handle it if He doesn't. It's a good place to be, a good way to feel.

It is Well....With My Soul...

the State of my Heart

Lord, I want to follow You.

I want to live for You more than anything except...

I want Your will for me except...

I love when Your hand is on my life except...

God, why is my heart divided? Why do I love You so much and feel such deep gratitude for who you are and yet want my own ways? Why do I want to make my own life built upon my own demands? This desire for my own desires is SO strong. I want to live out my own creations, instead of the life You are creating for me.

Lord, I love you.

Help me love you.

Nothing brings back the joie de vivre like a truly hot man.

Seriously, could he BE any hotter? This is the prettiest man I have ever seen.









My favorite song from the album is:
The Heart Of Life

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
so turn off your tears
and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no it wont all go the way
it should
but I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothin' new
bad news never had good timing
then the circle of your friends
will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no it won't all go the way
it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
fear is a friend who is
misunderstood
but I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good, I know it's good
oh i know it's good

oh i do i do i do

oh i know its good