I was really unhappy

My friend Ann made the comment a couple of weeks ago that I used to get and quit jobs quite frequently in the interim 4 years between when I graduated from UCI and started at Fuller. After our talk, I was thinking about this statement, because I don't like to be someone who lives life like that. But it's the truth. I think after graduation and until Sept 2007, I had 6 different jobs. Granted, one or two of them conveniently forgot to give me a paycheck, so I was justified in leaving them in the lurch. And one of them I stayed at for 14 months until I started grad school the first time in Fall of 2005. And another I stayed at from Feb 2007 to March 2008, because I liked the company and they were good to me.

But what she said was still hard to hear. I don't want to be a quitter. And I don't think I am in my heart of hearts. I realized the reason I kept quitting is I was really unhappy with my "work life" in that season. And the reason I know I'm supposed to pursue a Master's and potentially a Ph.D. is because school is the only thing that I've ever been passionate enough about to be committed to for the long haul. In undergrad, I had a whole host of things deter me from finishing. I got really sick and had to withdraw for one quarter. I had living situation changes. I worried at times how my tuition would get paid. But I knew I was supposed to do it and I didn't let those things make me give up.

The same is true here at Fuller. In this first year alone, I've moved twice. I had serious roommate drama. I worked 35 hours a week and took full-time classes. I got in a major car accident. The CT scan found a "space" in my brain. I had to have an MRI. I helped coordinate a conference in Anaheim. I went through a lot of frustration being patronized by some male classmates. I took 8am classes four days a week. I ran out of money again and again. And somewhere in there I had to make space to sleep, read, write papers and spend time with my friends. And yet, I'm committed to it. I will finish this Spring's Finals week, I will complete two more years of this and I will graduate. I know it. I know it because turning around and retreating is not an option. I must advance.

And as I thought about my propensity to quit those awful jobs (one of which was, I kid you not, typing voicemails down for 9 hours a day, voicemails from people facing foreclosure, so depressing!) I realized that maybe that was a good thing. I knew in my soul it just wasn't enough. I would never be happy sitting at a desk all week letting my brain rot. I just couldn't do it. And while I had some interesting work at times and lots of nice people at times, it just wasn't me. I knew I was made for more. And I don't know if I'd say this is the more, but it's closer. There aren't as many fun free corporate meals, but it's at least 80% engaging. And we get summer vacation.

Ultimately, it must be what I'm called to, because it's the only thing I won't quit.