Self-Hatred

I remember when I was a kid and it seemed like if I shut my eyes tight enough I could erase the bad/embarrassing/chaotic things happening around me or to me. It's really not all that crazy of a tactic if you ask me. But somewhere along about high school, it stopped working. No matter how much I tried to believe that people couldn't see me and I couldn't see myself or my world if my eyes were closed, I could still feel the world around me. Very disappointing. It seems the adult equivalent of this is alcohol. Since I don't really want to become an alcoholic, I pretty much have to rely on God to give me His love for me, when I don't have any for myself. And frankly, He doesn't always come through. Lots of days go by where I can be free to live and love and grow, but then days happen where I see a picture of myself or I hear my own voice and I just want to sink into the ground. Becoming one with the dirt seems like a really good idea in those moments and I have to FIGHT to remember that I have a purpose on earth. I am heartened when I remember that the purpose isn't just me surviving and thriving. My purpose is other people and getting free from my self-hatred long enough to love someone else. To be an ear when ugly things come out of mouths, realities never spoken before. It is a privilege, this life that I got, and I am needed in it even when I don't want to be needed and when I think the world would be better off without me. Jesus, help me stop this sin against myself. Give me your love for me when I don't have any.