So, the Internet is a trip. And I mean that in the fondest way possible. I was perusing myspace pages last night (well actually, this morning) and checkin' out the people that supposedly graduated high school with me in good ol' 99, and for fun it turns out that people I actually knew were listed. Which took me back down memory lane a little and tempted me to post on one myspace: "Aren't you sad I wouldn't date you? Hope you like my picture." (Okay, I am going straight to hell, I already know that! But if YOU were honest, you probably have those thoughts sometimes.) Which brings me to the title (and point) of this post. The first time I used Google Earth to zoom in on my house and my friend's houses, I almost tripped. You can literally see my car sitting in the driveway, and the state of my lawn. And anyone, anywhere in the world can look at it. Going through the profiles of people who I hung with in high school was a similarly omniscient experience. I think it is particularly salient for me because I am not the kind of person who ever looks back. When I move on from a place, a friendship, a life phase, I am done. Granted, it takes me a lot to get there. But once the decision is made, I don't look back. Not for a second. While I do hold on to quality friendships and believe in sticking it out when it's worth it, I really think life is about pushing forward, to different places, people and experiences. I know the past affects me, but I think I am learning to let the chaff fall away and experience the now without as much baggage. Once I decided to choose startling clarity on who I am as the goal, I was so much less worried about what people would think of me and much more worried about being in relationships, male and female, with people who respect me and love me for being a person who struggles with wrong and right, who is sometimes awkwardly and embarrassingly trying to follow Jesus, even when it looks silly and backwards to others. When I am looking at these pictures of people that had such power over me, such sway with my emotions and how their lives are still in the same cycle of insane self-fulfillment, I am 1) so glad I never dated them and 2) so grateful to Jesus for helping me figure out how to serve a master worth serving.
(Oh yeah, and there's nothing like looking at pictures of someone's college musical theater debut or their flashy major of "Food Service Management" to prove that the cool kids didn't really have it all that much together compared to the rest of us.)
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Snake Oil
Alternative medicine, is it really medicine? I worked at a company today where a guy who never got his board certification to practice medicine peddles expensive mega-vitamins and hyperbaric chamber treatments to the sick and elderly. He purports to be able to "cure" menopause, fibromyalgia, diabetes and other common illnesses and ailments. Even though his office is filled with degrees, diplomas and gold-leafed awards, in the back room I only saw large financial charts showing how much money he is raking in from desperate people. What would you do if you were in this situation? Well, I quit. I believe as Christians we are responsible to be shrewd and sort the deception from the truth. And I'm not responsible to save all the patients in the waiting room, but what does it mean to stand up for the truth? Does it mean picketing outside or talking privately with the deceived people there? For me, I think it meant realizing that everyone there had already bought the lies and no amount of arguing was going to show them the light. And for now it means telling the truth about the smoke and mirrors to those close to me, to keep them safe. So be shrewd friends, the most common health advice, to eat right and exercise is the best preventive medicine. And if you have a serious medical ailment, have your health insurance refer you to all the best board-certified specialists you can find, get 6 or 7 opinions if you want, but don't stop taking your meds and make sure you pray, because God does heal, even if it's only healing your heart and preparing you for heaven, but liars are going to burn in hell for deceiving the weak.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Romantic Songs
So I've had a lot on my mind lately; been agonizing with the idea of romance. Some relationships happen with abandon, loving with abandon, being together with abandon. And others seem to get lost and fixated on figuring out the mechanics of how to first get the "right" person and then make that person happy. I am afraid of losing myself to that kind of relationship. I don't want to be willing to settle for someone who I'm not crazy about or who isn't crazy about me. But as with all important things in life, it's hard. I think God knows what I've been preoccupied with because these are two songs that stood out to me from the radio this week. I'm not normally a hopeless romantic, in any sense of those words. I am normally the voice of reason and sanity for the women in my life. But these songs just felt like Jesus' affirmation for me that he has made me just the way I am, and a big part of being me is never wanting to settle. I am always willing to wait for the big one, for the brighter dawn just the other side of the horizon. But it's never that poetic when you are doing the waiting. It's cold and dark and lonely, and you often take yourself down the path of self-doubt and for me I begin to listen to the church ladies in my head who say things like: "Well, HE's got a good job, he can provide for you." Or "He'll make a nice dad for some nice-looking kids." Lord Jesus, thank you that I have never dreamed of having nice-looking kids. Help me to stay in a place of knowing who I am and the irrepressible love I need. I want you and the beauty you make in the midst of the messiness. Your redemption was always the most attractive to me, not when you were saving me from horrible sins, but the next frame of the lens when hope burst forth, and I saw the redeemed future you have prepared for little me. I want sunshine and laughter, the inability to think of anyone else and a total trust in your romance of my soul. El Shaddai, I hear you...
Randy Travis - Deeper Than The Holler
Well I've heard those city singers singin
'bout how they can love
Deeper than the oceans
higher than the stars above
Well I come from the country and I know I ain't seen it all
But I heard that oceans salty and the stars they sometimes fall
But that would not do justice to the way I feel for you
So I have to sing this song about all the things I knew
My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill
From the backroads to the broadway shows with a million miles between
There's a least a million love songs that people love to sing
And everyone is different and everyone's the same
So this is just another way of sayin' the same thing
My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill
My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill
Kenny Rogers- Buy me a Rose
He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
A three car garage, her own credit cards
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss good night
If he could only read her mind, she’d say:
Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life
Now the days have grown to years of feeling all alone
And she can’t help but wonder what she’s doing wrong
Cause lately she’d try anything to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she said:
Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life
And the more that he lives the less that he tries
To show her the love that he hold inside
And the more that she gives the more that he sees
This is a story of you and me
So I bought you a rose on the way home from work
Opened the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope you notice this look in my eyes
Cause I’m gonna make things right
I’m gonna hold you tonight
Do all those little things
For the rest of your life.
Randy Travis - Deeper Than The Holler
Well I've heard those city singers singin
'bout how they can love
Deeper than the oceans
higher than the stars above
Well I come from the country and I know I ain't seen it all
But I heard that oceans salty and the stars they sometimes fall
But that would not do justice to the way I feel for you
So I have to sing this song about all the things I knew
My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill
From the backroads to the broadway shows with a million miles between
There's a least a million love songs that people love to sing
And everyone is different and everyone's the same
So this is just another way of sayin' the same thing
My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill
My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill
Kenny Rogers- Buy me a Rose
He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
A three car garage, her own credit cards
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss good night
If he could only read her mind, she’d say:
Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life
Now the days have grown to years of feeling all alone
And she can’t help but wonder what she’s doing wrong
Cause lately she’d try anything to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she said:
Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life
And the more that he lives the less that he tries
To show her the love that he hold inside
And the more that she gives the more that he sees
This is a story of you and me
So I bought you a rose on the way home from work
Opened the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope you notice this look in my eyes
Cause I’m gonna make things right
I’m gonna hold you tonight
Do all those little things
For the rest of your life.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Redecorating with the Master
In this tumultuous season, God has been doing some interesting things in my life. I think in the midst of the chaos I have been finding my true self more and more, and many of the things that used to permeate my life causing stress and strife have been burned away. And I am now gloriously freed to embrace the things that remain, that are important to me. In this season it has also been new to learn how to lean on my blessings and others. One specific blessing has been that God gave me a little project of nesting. I have been redecorating my room and it has truly been a work of God. When I get to the point where my funds for this are spent, I have had to wait on Him and He has continued to provide. This weekend I got some of the finishing pieces in place, curtains and a matching lamp. And it looks and feels lovely. And I am appreciative of the metaphor that not only was my room taken apart and redecorated, but that the process also reflects the change taking shape inside of me. I have been taken apart, but He is putting me back together in a more perfect, more Dawn way.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
Bit by Bit
I think my blog is having an identity crisis. I was just reading through the last month of posts and I'm not sure whether this is my beatnik poetry roundup, a place to expel the angst of my life, a place to dissertate on the doings of online journalistic outlets, or just a place to review my various literature endeavors.
In the past I have been happy with it just being a place for angst-dumping. But bit by bit, I think it is transforming, or I am transforming it, into something more. So for today's slog, here are some exceptional quotes from a book I read this week, Blue Plate Special:
"I know the truth sets you free, but it isn't exactly a comfortable independence."
(At a poetry reading in LA.)
"'Sometimes there is a mist in the air in Los Angeles that transforms the way things look. Gray, opaque, like sulphurous plumes, floating. Yet below the mist there is Technicolor, there is substance.'
My two o'clock burrito is backing up on me. I stifle a burp, shift in my chair, and wonder what the hell this woman is talking about."
"Naomi says having a therapist untangle my emotions is like having a doctor reset my bones after an accident. There is no real difference between the two. Things need to be examined and put back into place before they can really start to heal."
"The noon sun is warm and it feels more like a day in early June--hopeful, with the whole summer stretched out like a canvas waiting to be painted on."
"You never imagine that the casual snapshot, which on another day you would have thrown away, could become a crystal ball into the past. You sit and stare at the face, the expression, the scene around her, and try to relive that moment. You try to reconstruct the conversation, his reaction to being photographed, and why you took the picture to begin with. Every time I look at an old spontaneous shot, I can't help but take that journey. It has that kind of power over me."
In the past I have been happy with it just being a place for angst-dumping. But bit by bit, I think it is transforming, or I am transforming it, into something more. So for today's slog, here are some exceptional quotes from a book I read this week, Blue Plate Special:
"I know the truth sets you free, but it isn't exactly a comfortable independence."
(At a poetry reading in LA.)
"'Sometimes there is a mist in the air in Los Angeles that transforms the way things look. Gray, opaque, like sulphurous plumes, floating. Yet below the mist there is Technicolor, there is substance.'
My two o'clock burrito is backing up on me. I stifle a burp, shift in my chair, and wonder what the hell this woman is talking about."
"Naomi says having a therapist untangle my emotions is like having a doctor reset my bones after an accident. There is no real difference between the two. Things need to be examined and put back into place before they can really start to heal."
"The noon sun is warm and it feels more like a day in early June--hopeful, with the whole summer stretched out like a canvas waiting to be painted on."
"You never imagine that the casual snapshot, which on another day you would have thrown away, could become a crystal ball into the past. You sit and stare at the face, the expression, the scene around her, and try to relive that moment. You try to reconstruct the conversation, his reaction to being photographed, and why you took the picture to begin with. Every time I look at an old spontaneous shot, I can't help but take that journey. It has that kind of power over me."
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Feel the Blog-Love
..or it's more like Feel the Love, Blog. There is nothing like being with people who know the best version of yourself and love you in all your awful-ness.
Monday, February 13, 2006
You tore up your parent card...
and we will never be family again because...
You let her say those things to me
You agreed with her
You gave her free reign on me
You sent the women away together
I looked over my shoulder in fear
I looked back longing to be rescued from it
And you pushed me along
I was forced to make do with your bad choice
I was forced to make peace with the enemy
I was forced to confess my sins to her
While you stood idly by
Where was my protection?
Why didn't you listen to me?
The house was cold
I was freezed out
I was constantly shamed
I was permanently disgraced
Being original was my original sin
And yet, I have flowered and healed
and your shackles have not held me down
You let her say those things to me
You agreed with her
You gave her free reign on me
You sent the women away together
I looked over my shoulder in fear
I looked back longing to be rescued from it
And you pushed me along
I was forced to make do with your bad choice
I was forced to make peace with the enemy
I was forced to confess my sins to her
While you stood idly by
Where was my protection?
Why didn't you listen to me?
The house was cold
I was freezed out
I was constantly shamed
I was permanently disgraced
Being original was my original sin
And yet, I have flowered and healed
and your shackles have not held me down
Friday, February 10, 2006
Are you the suing type?
I'm not the suing type. I prefer polite, silent scorn to any kind of direct confrontation. -Frances Norris, Blue Plate Special
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Liar, liar...
Well, I'm not lying right now, but my pants may be on fire. Or at least my house. What's now known as the Sierra fire is still blazing since yesterday relatively close to my house. Talking on the phone to my friend yesterday, I said, "Yeah, that would perfectly cap off the last 4 months, having my house burn down." As of now, we have not been asked to evacuate since the 241 toll road is holding back the fire. But it's still scary to know it's that close. Santiago Middle School, which we often walk to, has been evacuated and that brings things close to home.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
I usually don't comment on foreign affairs
We're going to replace the old Iraqi government with a democracy elected by the Iraqi people in free elections and you know what's going to happen? Very little is going to change in the Middle East. Except now they won't just hate the US for invading, they will hate all Western countries. And you know why? Because it's not the government that's the problem, it's the RELIGION.
The only reason Christianity sustains a nation is because its basic premise is counter-intuitive. If its basic premise was tit for tat, we'd all have been dead long ago. Because everybody likes to pick on a Christian. But since the basic premise of Christianity is to lay down in front of an attack and say, "Come and get me, I'm going to heaven anyway" it's revolutionary. There's no longer any reason to fight, if you've already laid down your life. Ultimately, you can't kill a Christian, you can only maim him.
The only reason Christianity sustains a nation is because its basic premise is counter-intuitive. If its basic premise was tit for tat, we'd all have been dead long ago. Because everybody likes to pick on a Christian. But since the basic premise of Christianity is to lay down in front of an attack and say, "Come and get me, I'm going to heaven anyway" it's revolutionary. There's no longer any reason to fight, if you've already laid down your life. Ultimately, you can't kill a Christian, you can only maim him.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
You are a Man
You are strong
You know who you are
You have seen your destiny
You are leading revolution
You won't wait for life
You will not be overcome
You are strong
You are loving
You laugh out loud
You embrace desire
You want to relax together
You are affectionate
You practice kindness
You are loving
You are courageous
You won't let circumstances dictate
You strive for excellence
You demand commitment
You are willing to fight
You battle injustice
You are courageous
You are faithful
You show up and you care
You plan and you finish
You pursue what's next
You leave behind inconstancy
You stay for the right reasons
You are faithful
You are compassionate
You understand suffering
You will not be afraid
You help the unfortunate
You stand up for the oppressed
You are gentle and forgiving
You are compassionate
You are full of integrity
You speak words of truth
Your mind is resolute
You serve to show your worth
Your dignity speaks volumes
Your honor is esteemed
You are full of integrity
You know who you are
You have seen your destiny
You are leading revolution
You won't wait for life
You will not be overcome
You are strong
You are loving
You laugh out loud
You embrace desire
You want to relax together
You are affectionate
You practice kindness
You are loving
You are courageous
You won't let circumstances dictate
You strive for excellence
You demand commitment
You are willing to fight
You battle injustice
You are courageous
You are faithful
You show up and you care
You plan and you finish
You pursue what's next
You leave behind inconstancy
You stay for the right reasons
You are faithful
You are compassionate
You understand suffering
You will not be afraid
You help the unfortunate
You stand up for the oppressed
You are gentle and forgiving
You are compassionate
You are full of integrity
You speak words of truth
Your mind is resolute
You serve to show your worth
Your dignity speaks volumes
Your honor is esteemed
You are full of integrity
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Don't say the F word
A long time ago, I met a guy who said the Christian "F" word is fine. He meant it as in when someone asks you at church, "How are you?" and you respond "I'm fine" even when you aren't really fine. For me, the F word is Future. What to do with it. What it will look like. I haven't really been looking, but I am getting offers for corporate jobs, however, I don't think I can go back. I didn't go to college so I can waste away in a cubicle. I need to be challenged, and I spent some time with God today, asking Him to show me what direction to go in so that I can actually live out the gifts I have. I don't expect perfection, but I need to believe in His promises and not settle for a lifetime of pointlessness.
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