Life extended

So tonight Rockharbor had an event called Sacred. It was advertised as a time to sit and be with God, which I really needed. But last week and on my way there tonight, my friends (boo on them for this!) kept saying that it was going to be a "training" in prayer and worship. And I began to rant, because the last thing I need is more training and talking from people at church. One thing I have learned from my experience in community with Christians is that we need less people-talking and more God-talking. I would have significantly less sin in my life and problems doing what I am called to do if Christians would stop telling me what God is saying to me and just let Him darn say it! And my girl friend who I went with kept insisting that it was a training, but it wasn't, it was the sacred time that was promised and I am so glad I was. It was a wonderful quiet, peaceful time just to listen to God and hear what He is saying. This was a big part of the River, the night when we force the participants to stop talking about their brokenness and go somewhere quiet and just ask God: What do you want to say to me about who I am? I always heard the most beautiful voice speaking in the quiet; one time in particular I remember just hearing the simple words, "I love you." It wasn't fake, it wasn't flippant like when people say they love their pancakes, it was the voice of someone desperate, someone suffocating to death on a cross. It was one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. And I heard that same voice tonight, telling me that I don't have to be perfect or even strong, there is an ocean of grace for my mistakes and a strong tower to shield me. I can be weak and afraid and insecure and make awful, bumbling, embarrassing mistakes that I cringe at for years to come. But I don't have to wither under the pain of kicking myself around for it all, I can be free. I can be free. I can lay down on a bed of grace, kick my shoes off and cuddle up with my Papa. It's interesting because it's not just me who is set free when I relax and let go of control, God is set free. He is freed to be with me, to talk with me, dance and sing with me. I am no longer pushing Him away by punishing the Christ that lives in me.

On another note, I spent some time railing at God about a particular issue that I have never railed about before, a very personal issue. And it was so freeing to stand up in front of the cross and heap accusations on Jesus, my main one being: How could you have let this happen? It was comforting to know that my disappointment isn't too much for Him to bear. It might be blasphemous, but I felt He wanted me to stand up and say how I was disappointed in the circumstances He has given me, how I am pissed that He didn't handle things better or save me from the pain altogether. I realized I had been harboring resentment over how He didn't prevent the situation, instead of just accusing Him directly. My accusations were freeing because I know they are not too much for Him to bear; He has already borne all of my grief and sin and strife.

All in all, a good night of breakthroughs. It has been almost 7 years since I started journeying towards some healing. This has been a season of grieving and I know it won't get all tied up in a bow and put away once the 7 years is up, but I feel like I am coming up on a turning point. Maybe the next 7 years will be a season of dancing...there is always room to hope.

2005: the year of quitting

So this has been the year of quitting...I quit a relationship, then quit my job, then quit a second relationship, then quit my Life Group, then quit avoiding debt and went back to school, then tried to quit Rockharbor, then I quit graduate school, then I quit living in the Inland Empire. And then I quit trying to quit Rockharbor, cause I was there every weekend anyway. In two weeks I will quit the temporary job I am doing right now. And then I will quit 2005. Andthe funny thing is it wasn't all bad. Sometimes quitting is the right thing to do. Of them all, quitting graduate school was the hardest. I laid in bed for a week watching Gilmore Girls on DVD and avoiding it. But I knew I had to, cause they lied to me and they lied to me out of incompetence, which is the worst kind of lie. At least some energy is put into evil lying; this was just simple negligence and laziness, and I can't stand either of those.

Weekend Magnitude

Oh, the joy of this week-end! I am so excited to be going out to play in the OC tonight and then my beloved Todd and April are getting married tomorrow! Sooo fun! It is a fancy night-time wedding and it's going to be so fun to fancy up and party down. Weee!

Hey look, it's 7:07pm. They used to call our Crusade weekly meeting 7:07. I'm not sure why, I think it was so people could remember when it started. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about Crusade the last couple of days. It was some good times!

My Supreme Joy

So, in order to extricate myself from this university is turning out to be as awful as my efforts to enroll here. I go to the University Records office and a girl tells me to get on the computer and fill out a Program Withdrawal Form. I do this and I get stuck on one check box. She says she is new and has to go ask someone who is on the phone what box I should check. (Gee, I wonder why there is such high turnover here!?!) Then, I get the form filled out and find out I have to get 3 more signatures all over campus before I can be done. Ay, ay, ay! These Adventists are killing me!

To Blog or Not to Blog

Nw, how generic is that? I like to think I can rationally pride myself on my ability to be original, but yes, I resorted to cheesy Shakespeare allusions...c'est la vie.

Well, I wanted to let you know all know where you can find me on the web. I am not only present here on blogger, but also at:

http://www.myspace.com/deltadawn27

http://www.xanga.com/deltadawn27

Thursday is now Friday

Some of you may have read the exultation I wrote once on how much I love Thursday, because it is the ante-joy. The day before the joy, when all you have to look forward to is the joy of Friday. Now Thursday is my last day of responsibility and so it is even more joyful. I am still working on feeling the ante-joy on Wednesday nights, but for now Thursday still rocks and I am currently 14 minutes away from 3 days of freedom.

Fun with Melons

It's weird how when you wake up and go back to sleep in the morning, you are more likely to have crazy dreams. I had a couple of wild ones today.

Rosa Parks

Well, i've officially seen it all. My classmates --the few, the proud and the ugly-- today called Rosa Parks "unsophisticated." I cannot believe it.

Wow.