Life extended

So tonight Rockharbor had an event called Sacred. It was advertised as a time to sit and be with God, which I really needed. But last week and on my way there tonight, my friends (boo on them for this!) kept saying that it was going to be a "training" in prayer and worship. And I began to rant, because the last thing I need is more training and talking from people at church. One thing I have learned from my experience in community with Christians is that we need less people-talking and more God-talking. I would have significantly less sin in my life and problems doing what I am called to do if Christians would stop telling me what God is saying to me and just let Him darn say it! And my girl friend who I went with kept insisting that it was a training, but it wasn't, it was the sacred time that was promised and I am so glad I was. It was a wonderful quiet, peaceful time just to listen to God and hear what He is saying. This was a big part of the River, the night when we force the participants to stop talking about their brokenness and go somewhere quiet and just ask God: What do you want to say to me about who I am? I always heard the most beautiful voice speaking in the quiet; one time in particular I remember just hearing the simple words, "I love you." It wasn't fake, it wasn't flippant like when people say they love their pancakes, it was the voice of someone desperate, someone suffocating to death on a cross. It was one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard. And I heard that same voice tonight, telling me that I don't have to be perfect or even strong, there is an ocean of grace for my mistakes and a strong tower to shield me. I can be weak and afraid and insecure and make awful, bumbling, embarrassing mistakes that I cringe at for years to come. But I don't have to wither under the pain of kicking myself around for it all, I can be free. I can be free. I can lay down on a bed of grace, kick my shoes off and cuddle up with my Papa. It's interesting because it's not just me who is set free when I relax and let go of control, God is set free. He is freed to be with me, to talk with me, dance and sing with me. I am no longer pushing Him away by punishing the Christ that lives in me.

On another note, I spent some time railing at God about a particular issue that I have never railed about before, a very personal issue. And it was so freeing to stand up in front of the cross and heap accusations on Jesus, my main one being: How could you have let this happen? It was comforting to know that my disappointment isn't too much for Him to bear. It might be blasphemous, but I felt He wanted me to stand up and say how I was disappointed in the circumstances He has given me, how I am pissed that He didn't handle things better or save me from the pain altogether. I realized I had been harboring resentment over how He didn't prevent the situation, instead of just accusing Him directly. My accusations were freeing because I know they are not too much for Him to bear; He has already borne all of my grief and sin and strife.

All in all, a good night of breakthroughs. It has been almost 7 years since I started journeying towards some healing. This has been a season of grieving and I know it won't get all tied up in a bow and put away once the 7 years is up, but I feel like I am coming up on a turning point. Maybe the next 7 years will be a season of dancing...there is always room to hope.