Underestimated

There is a moment in my memory that has stayed with me for a very long time. I was underestimated once, in a way that was so confusingly salient to me.

I've been watching some really excellent movies and TV lately, and I asked my mom why it's so addictive. And she replied, "because it's story." Story is captivating. We aren't worried about whether it is true, we know whether it is true by how well it resonates with us. By how well we can see and hear the peculiarities of others within ourselves. When the voices from the screen echo into my abdomen, I know the story is true. When I can feel the rancor of the Grapes of Wrath in my fingernails, I know it's true.

I watched Proof tonight. It was a play made into a movie. It's an excellent portrayal of a family dealing with genius and mental illness ( they call it mental instability) and shame and role confusions and grief. I know that all sounds bad, but it's really quite hopeful in a lot of ways. Anyway, I really underestimated this movie. I heard it wasn't that great; that it was kind of pedantic and cerebral since it's about math. But it was so beautiful. Just tenuous and emotional and not over-spoken or over-plotted. It made its point and then it left the room. And it didn't try to wrap everything up in a neat little bow at the end. It left things right, but still messy.

So since seeing Millions, which just rocked and now Proof, it makes me wonder what other surprises life has in store for me. I think I've been so focused recently on the exact light and sounds of the train wrecks of my situations that I forget the little wisps of happy air that God can blow my way. Little puffs of lightness with a touch of fairy dust. I need to stop underestimating life. It's indomitable and deserves more respect from me.

When I was underestimated, I remember being surprised by it. I have always known who I am and for one brief second I was taken aback at how others didn't know me. What happened was my dad had this guy who was his PC guru, when he was learning how to use a PC for his business. He asked me and my brother a lot, but when we weren't available or couldn't be bothered, he called this guy Ben. Ben is a Filipino guy from the South Bay; very personable and would patiently walk my dad out of whatever situation he had gotten tangled up in. He made house calls and let my dad gripe at him, which kept him at homeostasis. Anyway, he met my dad and became his go-to guy at a point when I wasn't coming around to my dad's house much, I really don't remember why, I think I was just really busy with school. One day I dropped by my dad's house on a Saturday morning and Ben was there. I plopped down in the guest chair in the computer room, met Ben and started asking him what he was doing. We chatted for a few minutes and my dad came in. My dad made some comment like, Oh- you've met my daughter. And Ben said to me: Yeah, I've heard all about you from your dad and stepmom, but you're much nicer than they described. And my dad blushed as Ben turned to him and said, You guys acted like she's so awful, she's normal enough to me. I doubt Ben knew what he had said that day. My dad basically ignored it. But I remember thinking, how dare you. Because basically what that means is that my dad and stepmom had said something like, "Yeah, you've met his son, but his daughter, what a ****" when Ben asked about me. And I remember being taken aback because I'm not usually understimated in that way. Most of the people in my life see that I'm just a human trying to do more good than evil. And I think they know that I'm pretty transparent, what you see is what you get. I'm flawed but I'm not trying to be more or less than I am. I'm not trying to prove anything. I just want to be loved and love the people in my life the best I know how. And I have good and bad qualities, and I screw up a lot. But so does everyone else. So it was a little unsettling to find out just how little I was known by the people that purported to want to love me and be close to me. Unsettling indeed.

I learned something that day. I will not be underestimated.

Don't even go there.