The Angels win again...

Well, actually they lost tonight - 5 to 3, Kansas City. And I almost lost my lunch after eating wayyyy too much snack bar food. I went a little crazy with the nachos. But metaphorically speaking, the angels are winning...

Or more accurately, I am choosing to let them win. My better angels wage a daily war with the church ladies in my head. And usually the topic of strife is love. We are all looking for it, it seems in such short supply and I find myself and the people around me just angsting over it constantly. (I know, angsting isn't a verb. But it should be.) And I find myself being swept along in this idea that romance is what will fulfill me. But I know it won't. My better angels are whispering all the time that I won't ever find true fulfillment outside of waiting on God's will for my life on earth and His will for my life in heaven. Every beautiful day is just a hint of what's to come. I had an immensely satisfying birthday this year and I'm delighted to turn 26; totally unexpected! And that's just a zephyr of the satisfaction I will feel when I'm face to face with my Maker. Do I have longings that are like an open wound in my side? Yes. But when they become all of me, I am not who I am intended to be.

I realized this weekend that I have been dating for 10 years. Since I was 16, I have had a revolving door of men. And I've learned a lot from it, but I am realizing I'm done with the revolving door. I took about 5 years in there somewhere and just chose not to date at all, from about 19-23. And I think I grew so much in those years. I know I was so close to God, so close to the deep pain in my soul; but also able to easily bring it to Him without the complications of relationships. While I am grateful for the men I have known, they have treated me with amazing care and sweetness, I look back and feel like little chips of my heart have been left with each one. Each time you go through that initial excitement, that initial question of the heart- Can you really see and love me? something happens to your hopefulness. It expands so wide, but like a balloon, if you blow it up too many times, eventually it no longer inflates with the same firm shape. I guess my heart feels a little like that ragged balloon. Deflated and unsure if it can ever be inflated again.

It's so weird to feel like I'm at the end of the road, when I know the journey is just beginning. My soul feels old. But I think my exhaustion is my better angels winning. Allowing me to grow faint, so God can pick me up under His wings and fly me onward.

They say we all have a question that must be answered. I think mine is How long? How long, O Lord? I don't believe I can continue to bear up under this, whatever this is. It's been so many things. The weight of pain, the weight of waiting, the weight of healing, the weight of wanting. But my better angels are helping me to lean into the wanting and the waiting, instead of trying to unburden myself of the weight by taking over control.

Lord, I so vocally want Your will to take me overseas, but I'm much more hesitant about Your will that might say work unto the Lord here at this job. Lord, I so vocally desire Your hand to show me the way, but I am so reluctant to listen and heed Your words before I begin the journey. Would you shape my soul? Shape it. Mold it to the form of the sorrow on the brow of Your Son. The One. The One who knows all my needs. Who can so easily solve all my perplexedness. God, when I'm turning around in circles, chasing my own tail, help me to look to You. Help me to find quiet and remember that Your angels are already answering my question. Help to listen for the answer. My soul needs to know that You are in control. My soul needs to rest in Your control. God, would You put Your steadying hand on my girlish heart that already feels old? Renew the balloon, Lord. Keep it guarded and safe for the one who will want to know it.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Ill be watching you

Oh, cant you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
Ill be watching you

Since youve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please...