It's not that I don't want to hear it...

I've heard a lot of people say that they have a hard time hearing the voice of God, but for me I feel like it's more as though God is always speaking and I have only a small tolerance to take my hands off my ears and hear what He is saying. There's so much He's saying, but I don't have the capacity to hear it all. I am not ready for it
so I have to cover my ears and take it in smaller doses.

Whenever people argue about who is right, I want to shout: "There are all kinds of truth happening at any one given time." Just look at the Bible; 66 books and all those truths have to coexist in the universe together at one time.

And sometimes I feel like all that truth is crowding in on me. I'm just a little human ant, I don't have the ability to hear it all at once. It would be bad for my digestion.

I guess I should fill in some of the blanks:
1. I got accepted to the Experiment. (See link on previous post.)
2. I am going to New Orleans in November to do Katrina Relief for a week.

Tonight I prayed with them and I felt like God was pushing my hands away from my ears. The first three people prayed in ways that directly connected with me. I nearly cried. I felt like God was saying, See? See, you can do this.

You can take one day at a time. You can get on the plane on one day. You can sleep on the cot that night. You can get up the next morning and take instructions. You can work all day. You can sleep at night. You can do this for 5 days. I will walk with You.

But I don't believe.

I don't believe this will happen. I don't believe He can do it. I don't believe I won't come home on a gurney. I am certain of disaster. I'm afraid and my faith seems so frail after all I have been through with my body. I thought emotional brokenness was hard, but the physical kind has been so draining. I have spent a good 10 months waiting to feel totally good again. I can't even remember what it felt like because when you feel fine, you don't notice it. I keep believing that if I could remember what it felt like not to feel the pain, I could re-establish it. That underscoring good feeling where you don't notice it because it's just always there. Or not there.

I am looking for that not there feeling. It's lost forever. But I am not hopeless. There has been progress and I am choosing to chant the beauty of the good.

I am walking/running at least 30 minutes a day religiously and that is helping. I do have a weird clicking in my right hip at times when I do this. If I move so it won't click, my hamstring starts to tighten up. If I let it continue to click, eventually whatever is clicking starts to hurt.

But the exercise helps. I am not religious about most things, except my dental care, but religiosity is helping in this case. My goal is to do 21 days, because the statistics people say that 21 days creates a habit.

I'm on day 13.

Pray for me.