Tapping the Receiver

I picked up this book called Hot Tub Religion on Friday. Basically, J.I. Packer points out that we think we're hearing from God a lot, when in fact it seems we might actually be just hearing ourselves. I know this is a point of contention among people who believe God is alive today. It's interesting because I do believe God is available to us all the time. But I have gone through seasons of hearing nothing and seasons of feeling like He wouldn't stop talking. This week I was praying and then since I've been used to seeing instant answers for about the last 6 months, I thought since I didn't see them this week God must not be hearing me. It felt like somebody put a muffler on my roof, so to speak (assuming God is somewhere and that somewhere is up).

Today all day I focused on trying to hear from Him and I spent most of the day feeling like I was tapping the receiver of a telephone. God, are you there, are you there, are you there? Then this evening, after some waiting, I asked again and I felt a small voice answer back. "Dawn, I'm here." And I realized at that point that I don't really care that much if God answers my prayers for things as long as I can know He is there. As long as I don't lose that connection.

God always uses my name. I think that's special because a lot of life is about un-naming us. Assigning us statuses, positions, roles and worth based on human factors and losing bits of our individual identities and narratives in the process. It also relieves me because I have a deep fear of going crazy, schizophrenic to be exact, and I figure I'm not if what I hear is speaking in such a rational, tender way. Then I know it's God. But then again, how do I know for sure it's not just my own voice placating me? I think because I would never speak to myself using my own name (It sounds childish to me: "Dawn, go do the laundry now." Yeah, I would never say that.) And I also know it's not me because it is always simple and loving and almost all of the conversations I have with myself are highly complicated and extremely un-tender towards myself. I just recently began to realize this when I've been spending time alone and I find it very upsetting. I'd like to say I'm working on it, but part of it is my past and part is just my personality and I haven't really gotten to the work phase yet. But I hope that God will continue to break into my consciousness in a way that allows me to look at and understand the cruelty and confusion with which my mind handles my thoughts. Because it's bad.

And contrary to the relentless tenderness of my Savior.

Fireworks

kissing
under a sky of fireworks
i've been contemplating
the way i was kissed
recently
it was owed
it was demanded
expected
forced
and for all my resistance
it was done
i hated it
and i didn't say anything

it's not his fault
this is what i do
i feel wrong and i decide it must be right
it must be me
i fixate on the moment
i throw myself in recklessly
without regard
without self
selflessly
until wrong feels right and
right feels numbing
and i can't remember
what i wanted anymore

i allow myself to be consumed
burned up
and
the ashes drift away

if i'm glad i have been lusted after
than never kissed at all
is it wrong or right?
or
is it just
fireworks
it is worse to have been loved well and remember
than to forever dream of what might be
but the bittersweet burn
of hope twice deferred
is ruining me

it used to be
the wanting was simpler
he wanted the possibility of me
the hope of dreams dreamt with me
there was gentleness and trust
i refuse to transact with these lips
they will give only gifts

but the wanting's gotten complicated
its developed a procedure, a method, a plan
a goal
my self
for life
i'm not even sure i would want myself for life
but now he's analyzing
and scrutinizing
am i the perfect prize?

decorate me and i'll dance for you?
purchase my time and possess my body?
my soul doesn't comprehend this
why
i can't live with these lies

i've miraculously won and then painfully lost
all that made my body awake
i dream vividly of
an eleventh hour reprieve
so i remember the burn
and i don't forget to breathe
and just breathing feels all right



"Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it’s just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it’s coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It’s even breathing
Feels all right"
-Alexi Murdoch, All My Days

Oh Henri!

"Writing can be a creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others. We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told - we may discover that the better we tell our stories, the better we will want to live them." -Henri Nouwen

The Angels win again...

Well, actually they lost tonight - 5 to 3, Kansas City. And I almost lost my lunch after eating wayyyy too much snack bar food. I went a little crazy with the nachos. But metaphorically speaking, the angels are winning...

Or more accurately, I am choosing to let them win. My better angels wage a daily war with the church ladies in my head. And usually the topic of strife is love. We are all looking for it, it seems in such short supply and I find myself and the people around me just angsting over it constantly. (I know, angsting isn't a verb. But it should be.) And I find myself being swept along in this idea that romance is what will fulfill me. But I know it won't. My better angels are whispering all the time that I won't ever find true fulfillment outside of waiting on God's will for my life on earth and His will for my life in heaven. Every beautiful day is just a hint of what's to come. I had an immensely satisfying birthday this year and I'm delighted to turn 26; totally unexpected! And that's just a zephyr of the satisfaction I will feel when I'm face to face with my Maker. Do I have longings that are like an open wound in my side? Yes. But when they become all of me, I am not who I am intended to be.

I realized this weekend that I have been dating for 10 years. Since I was 16, I have had a revolving door of men. And I've learned a lot from it, but I am realizing I'm done with the revolving door. I took about 5 years in there somewhere and just chose not to date at all, from about 19-23. And I think I grew so much in those years. I know I was so close to God, so close to the deep pain in my soul; but also able to easily bring it to Him without the complications of relationships. While I am grateful for the men I have known, they have treated me with amazing care and sweetness, I look back and feel like little chips of my heart have been left with each one. Each time you go through that initial excitement, that initial question of the heart- Can you really see and love me? something happens to your hopefulness. It expands so wide, but like a balloon, if you blow it up too many times, eventually it no longer inflates with the same firm shape. I guess my heart feels a little like that ragged balloon. Deflated and unsure if it can ever be inflated again.

It's so weird to feel like I'm at the end of the road, when I know the journey is just beginning. My soul feels old. But I think my exhaustion is my better angels winning. Allowing me to grow faint, so God can pick me up under His wings and fly me onward.

They say we all have a question that must be answered. I think mine is How long? How long, O Lord? I don't believe I can continue to bear up under this, whatever this is. It's been so many things. The weight of pain, the weight of waiting, the weight of healing, the weight of wanting. But my better angels are helping me to lean into the wanting and the waiting, instead of trying to unburden myself of the weight by taking over control.

Lord, I so vocally want Your will to take me overseas, but I'm much more hesitant about Your will that might say work unto the Lord here at this job. Lord, I so vocally desire Your hand to show me the way, but I am so reluctant to listen and heed Your words before I begin the journey. Would you shape my soul? Shape it. Mold it to the form of the sorrow on the brow of Your Son. The One. The One who knows all my needs. Who can so easily solve all my perplexedness. God, when I'm turning around in circles, chasing my own tail, help me to look to You. Help me to find quiet and remember that Your angels are already answering my question. Help to listen for the answer. My soul needs to know that You are in control. My soul needs to rest in Your control. God, would You put Your steadying hand on my girlish heart that already feels old? Renew the balloon, Lord. Keep it guarded and safe for the one who will want to know it.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Ill be watching you

Oh, cant you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
Ill be watching you

Since youve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please...

A victorious warrior

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing. (NIV)

The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. (KJV)

The LORD your God is in your midst,
A victorious warrior
He will exult over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.
(NASB)
Zephaniah 3:17

In spite of its underlying theme of judgment and punishment, the Book of Zephaniah closes on a positive note. After God judges the wayward nations, the prophet announces He will raise up a remnant of the faithful who will continue to serve as His Covenant People in the world. The book ends with a glorious promise for the future, a time when God will "quiet you in His love" and "rejoice over you with singing" (3:17).

Youngblood, Ronald F. ; Bruce, F. F. ; Harrison, R. K. ; Thomas Nelson Publishers: Nelson's New Illustrated Bible Dictionary. Nashville : T. Nelson, 1995

Icing

When I was younger, pretty much up until now, I never liked icing. I barely liked cake. But I loved pie. It is an intelligent dessert that has chosen crust on top instead of icing and I strongly approve that choice.

I typically have sad birthdays. There are a few reasons for this. One, it's June 19th. Everyone has gone home from college, or school has just let out for the summer. Two, it's hot. Three, it either falls on or very near Father's Day. Four, they don't really move all the graduations around to accommodate my birthday. (They obviously didn't consult me before creating the traditional school year.)

All of which makes it a little difficult to try and celebrate the day I was born. HOWEVER...(that's a big however...) this year was spectacular. So many good things and doodads came my way.

And the icing was a free ticket to see the Police...and Five Crowns..
And I discovered what is so delectable about icing...Icing is a heavenly substance.
It's what you get when you mix sugar and magic and it's what God gives you when your cupcake just can't hold any more goodness. He just smears icing all over the top.

Life is deliciously good...it's a wonder I don't use more food metaphors in most of my writing since my first book was all about the wonder of food.