Post #299 holds in store for you 5 unrelated thoughts

1. Yup, I am on the downwardslide toward a miraculous 300 posts. I feel pretty impressive.

2. There are 15 days left until I get on a plane headed to Romania! I've got $775 left to raise by July 20th.

3. I'm going camping this weekend north of Ventura, south of Santa Barbara. They are forecasting a 30% chance of thunderstorms and I'm still bringing the fixings for s'mores. I'm excited!!

4. God is at work on my future in ways that leave me utterly grateful and utterly speechless.

5. I'm so impressed by the things that my college group is doing now. Still faithfully walking with God and serving in some amazing ways. We are talking doctors, lawyers, PhDs and such. I am not sure I'm living up to my promise yet, but I'm honored to be a part of such a stellar group.

Tapping the Receiver

I picked up this book called Hot Tub Religion on Friday. Basically, J.I. Packer points out that we think we're hearing from God a lot, when in fact it seems we might actually be just hearing ourselves. I know this is a point of contention among people who believe God is alive today. It's interesting because I do believe God is available to us all the time. But I have gone through seasons of hearing nothing and seasons of feeling like He wouldn't stop talking. This week I was praying and then since I've been used to seeing instant answers for about the last 6 months, I thought since I didn't see them this week God must not be hearing me. It felt like somebody put a muffler on my roof, so to speak (assuming God is somewhere and that somewhere is up).

Today all day I focused on trying to hear from Him and I spent most of the day feeling like I was tapping the receiver of a telephone. God, are you there, are you there, are you there? Then this evening, after some waiting, I asked again and I felt a small voice answer back. "Dawn, I'm here." And I realized at that point that I don't really care that much if God answers my prayers for things as long as I can know He is there. As long as I don't lose that connection.

God always uses my name. I think that's special because a lot of life is about un-naming us. Assigning us statuses, positions, roles and worth based on human factors and losing bits of our individual identities and narratives in the process. It also relieves me because I have a deep fear of going crazy, schizophrenic to be exact, and I figure I'm not if what I hear is speaking in such a rational, tender way. Then I know it's God. But then again, how do I know for sure it's not just my own voice placating me? I think because I would never speak to myself using my own name (It sounds childish to me: "Dawn, go do the laundry now." Yeah, I would never say that.) And I also know it's not me because it is always simple and loving and almost all of the conversations I have with myself are highly complicated and extremely un-tender towards myself. I just recently began to realize this when I've been spending time alone and I find it very upsetting. I'd like to say I'm working on it, but part of it is my past and part is just my personality and I haven't really gotten to the work phase yet. But I hope that God will continue to break into my consciousness in a way that allows me to look at and understand the cruelty and confusion with which my mind handles my thoughts. Because it's bad.

And contrary to the relentless tenderness of my Savior.

Fireworks

kissing
under a sky of fireworks
i've been contemplating
the way i was kissed
recently
it was owed
it was demanded
expected
forced
and for all my resistance
it was done
i hated it
and i didn't say anything

it's not his fault
this is what i do
i feel wrong and i decide it must be right
it must be me
i fixate on the moment
i throw myself in recklessly
without regard
without self
selflessly
until wrong feels right and
right feels numbing
and i can't remember
what i wanted anymore

i allow myself to be consumed
burned up
and
the ashes drift away

if i'm glad i have been lusted after
than never kissed at all
is it wrong or right?
or
is it just
fireworks
it is worse to have been loved well and remember
than to forever dream of what might be
but the bittersweet burn
of hope twice deferred
is ruining me

it used to be
the wanting was simpler
he wanted the possibility of me
the hope of dreams dreamt with me
there was gentleness and trust
i refuse to transact with these lips
they will give only gifts

but the wanting's gotten complicated
its developed a procedure, a method, a plan
a goal
my self
for life
i'm not even sure i would want myself for life
but now he's analyzing
and scrutinizing
am i the perfect prize?

decorate me and i'll dance for you?
purchase my time and possess my body?
my soul doesn't comprehend this
why
i can't live with these lies

i've miraculously won and then painfully lost
all that made my body awake
i dream vividly of
an eleventh hour reprieve
so i remember the burn
and i don't forget to breathe
and just breathing feels all right



"Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it’s just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it’s coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It’s even breathing
Feels all right"
-Alexi Murdoch, All My Days

Oh Henri!

"Writing can be a creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others. We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told - we may discover that the better we tell our stories, the better we will want to live them." -Henri Nouwen