the Face of Disillusionment

Recently I have noticed a pattern throughout my Christian life. I get involved in some sort of ministry. I am a mission-driven person, so from the mechanics and daily matters of group happenings I begin to seek out what the main purpose of the ministry is. This quest leads me to learn from many people within the group. I look and listen for the many different facets of what the group stands for, as interpreted through the eyes of the many group members. Through my questioning, I am ultimately led to the leader of the group. This person I am excited to know because I believe they can give me the purest and most distilled version of the mission. This person is usually excited to share their clearly defined mission with me and make me a disciple of it. I, too, am excited to be a disciple of it because I can see the very strategic purpose of it and how it meets a sorely ignored need within the kingdom community or even the larger world. I get on board with it and the mission of the group becomes part of my own life mission.

And then a terrible thing happens. Somewhere along their own timeline, the person I am following changes their mind. That person decides that either the mission I have bought into isn’t really the mission anymore or I am not good enough to be a part of it or they decide their calling is to go sell t-shirts on the beach in Cancun, because that’s where the real money is. And I am crushed. I am a student without a rabbi. I feel lost and disillusioned. I have all these thoughts like, “T-shirts in Mexico? How could this be? I thought we were going to change the world.”

I'm serious. This has happened 5 or 6 times since I decided to label myself Christian.

And I usually feel pretty sick to my stomach for a week or two because I feel stupid that I was that naïve to trust the person. I also feel sick because I don’t understand how when I felt so clear as to what and why we were doing this ministry, how could the person who created the ministry and defined the mission not believe in it anymore? And this scenario keeps playing itself out in my life. I don’t understand it. I wonder if my expectations are too high. I don’t know why they would be. I don’t have this glamorous life from which I might have learned that only amazing things will happen to me. But nonetheless I am disappointed. Mostly I just wish I could find a way to not start out even believing in the mission if I’m just going to be let down. I wish that leader person would just not even say we should reach for the stars. Because I’m a believer and when someone says that, I get out the star charts and start looking on the internet for those vices that lengthen your arms.

I’ve been thinking about this scenario a lot this week and how supposedly everything is a spiritual issue and God keeps teaching us the same lesson until we get it. But honestly, I don’t know what it is that I’m supposed to get from this. I just know it keeps happening and all I can come up with is that maybe I’m supposed to become much more skeptical than I am. But I’m already pretty skeptical and it feels like the next stage is pure cynicism. Is that what you want from me God? Or is it something else I’m supposed to learn? Please show me.

I had an amazing day with Jesus this Sunday and overall I have been just well centered and reveling in how God is wooing me. In the midst of what might have felt like a storm in a previous life, I have been the eye of the hurricane. Calm and breathing. It’s the biggest deal in the world how I have been handling life lately. Centered on God; relaxed and free. Not like my usual self at all. Not at all desperately seeking Him, but hearing clearly and responding to His love and all in all just living it up.

As I began to notice this pattern of disillusionment, I am not frustrated or irritated by it, but merely curious. God, what are you doing? And I feel confident He will tell me in time. This blog came about because I went to church this Sunday and it happened again. Mike talked about what would happen if we lived as though Jesus really was God, as though He really heals people and the Spirit really does move and change and transform. And I know that all that happens because I see it all the time at the River, but I got a little harrumphed about Mike bringing this up. Because the reality is that along the way someone leading the charge is going to decide to back down, to retreat and decide it’s easier to just do what we’ve always done. And so I wanted to yell out (not out of anger, just so I am heard):

“Just don’t even say it if you’re not going to follow through. It doesn’t hurt anyone to just keep your mouth shut and say we’re going to keep doing the things we’ve been doing and do them well and to the glory of God. There’s nothing wrong with that. Your mouth will line up with your actions that way and I won’t get on board and I’ll be fine. If you start planning a big outward push and then don’t actually do it, I’ll get disappointed and disillusioned one more time. And I’m tired of it. I don’t even want to be tempted to pray that the Spirit will break forth because it ain’t gonna happen. And that’s fine as long as you don’t start preaching about how you hope it will and you hope someone will step up and lead it. Cause I won’t. I’m not getting on board with any “new” things anymore. I’m done.”

It's interesting about the word disillusionment. It's dis-illusion-ment. I wonder what illusion I am drinking in that is ultimately allowing my disillusionment.