It's you and me, J.

I was just reading this article on the ooze from a guy who kind of barely knew Rich Mullins at Cincinnati Bible College. This entire loooong article is about the miniscule interactions they had and how Rich could never remember his name and when they finally met up and got to connect on a real level, the guy tells Rich his whole long personal story of his journey with God, and at the end Rich has to sincerely ask, "What was your name again, man?"

Fame is so interesting. I haven't met anyone who doesn't want to be famous. And in the absence of fame, we want to be associated with fame. Try this at a party. Ask people to name all the famous people they've ever met. You probably can't name all the people you've shared a meal with, but we can all name the famous people we've met, or famous places we've been. In church they would say this is a search for significance, or a need to be known in community, which rockharbor talked about this past weekend. But I think I have found some significance and I am known in community somewhat, so for me the lesson on fame is that it's not about me and Rich Mullins. It's not about my friend's friend who is an actor on a TV show. It's not about getting seats to see Oprah live. It's not about the time I met a famous actress when I was a kid.

The lesson about fame is that life is about who you know and who knows you, and the most important person to know is Jesus. And the most important person to know you, to see you and be connected with you is Jesus. When I start to hear my own media (especially people analyzing or admiring my faith) and I start to get freaked out by people's expectations of me, I remember that my life is only going to be measured by how well I knew Jesus. It's not the time I spend with prime ministers that defines me, but the time I spend with the one who loves me and knows me intimately. He knows my stress, my pain, my hurts and my joys. He knows what makes me feel loved and what makes me feel betrayed. And whenever I get stuck in an awful pattern of building up someone else's media, He reminds me that I need Him more by having that person let me down. Not that they necessarily doing anything wrong, but I start to feel that my praise for them has over-stayed itself. And rightly so because their humanity cannot hold that kind of worship. Worship is for the one who can receive it and hold it. And a love that is limitless is the best kind of relationship for my heart. I am a needy girl. I need to be consumed with my love for someone and I need that person to see me for who I am and be endlessly in love with me.

Thank you Jesus that you are a heavenly dad who will never listen to my prayers and heart-aches for an hour and then pick up your head and say, "What's your name again?" You know all about what is in my heart and that makes me want to spend more and more time with you telling you what is in my heart. I want to bless you with all the blessing your infinite self can hold.

It's the only networking I need.

Dreams and Fruit

Dreams are like apples. They sit there on the counter waiting for you to pick them up and consume them. Most of the time we pass them up. We go right by them toward the chocolate, the hotdogs, the Pasta-Roni. But an apple is so lovely. But we only know that when we decide to pick it up.

I had some amazing dreams last night. Not just subconscious grix that floats around like algae in the brain, but the hopes-and-wishes kinds of dreams too.

The problem with dreams is that we treat them like books. They are so satisfying to pursue, but it takes us slowing down and breathing before we can hear their siren call. And most of the time I don't want to slow down. I don't want to get quiet enough to hear the whispers of sadness that float around in my soul; and I don't want to listen to my daylight dreams because they require that stillness. And then they require my heart. I have to work on them, I have to labor over them. I'd rather watch 24, it's immediate, it's adequate. It comes to me. It requires little of me.

I guess I am tired. (To quote my friend, "You've had quite a year.") And my tiredness is hope and light, because being tired is what happens - right before you dream...

Our deepest fear

If I still had corporate email, I would annoy everyone I worked with by using this as my email signature on every email, reply and forward.


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

NanoWrimo is coming.

And I'm so excited. November is NanoWrimo and if you don't know what this is click under links and find out. I read No Plot? No Problem! about 2 years ago and it's so super fantastically great. Is that enough superlatives for you?

I have so many ideas already bursting out of my head for it that I have to write them down and sketch them out so I won't forget them all.

Underestimated

There is a moment in my memory that has stayed with me for a very long time. I was underestimated once, in a way that was so confusingly salient to me.

I've been watching some really excellent movies and TV lately, and I asked my mom why it's so addictive. And she replied, "because it's story." Story is captivating. We aren't worried about whether it is true, we know whether it is true by how well it resonates with us. By how well we can see and hear the peculiarities of others within ourselves. When the voices from the screen echo into my abdomen, I know the story is true. When I can feel the rancor of the Grapes of Wrath in my fingernails, I know it's true.

I watched Proof tonight. It was a play made into a movie. It's an excellent portrayal of a family dealing with genius and mental illness ( they call it mental instability) and shame and role confusions and grief. I know that all sounds bad, but it's really quite hopeful in a lot of ways. Anyway, I really underestimated this movie. I heard it wasn't that great; that it was kind of pedantic and cerebral since it's about math. But it was so beautiful. Just tenuous and emotional and not over-spoken or over-plotted. It made its point and then it left the room. And it didn't try to wrap everything up in a neat little bow at the end. It left things right, but still messy.

So since seeing Millions, which just rocked and now Proof, it makes me wonder what other surprises life has in store for me. I think I've been so focused recently on the exact light and sounds of the train wrecks of my situations that I forget the little wisps of happy air that God can blow my way. Little puffs of lightness with a touch of fairy dust. I need to stop underestimating life. It's indomitable and deserves more respect from me.

When I was underestimated, I remember being surprised by it. I have always known who I am and for one brief second I was taken aback at how others didn't know me. What happened was my dad had this guy who was his PC guru, when he was learning how to use a PC for his business. He asked me and my brother a lot, but when we weren't available or couldn't be bothered, he called this guy Ben. Ben is a Filipino guy from the South Bay; very personable and would patiently walk my dad out of whatever situation he had gotten tangled up in. He made house calls and let my dad gripe at him, which kept him at homeostasis. Anyway, he met my dad and became his go-to guy at a point when I wasn't coming around to my dad's house much, I really don't remember why, I think I was just really busy with school. One day I dropped by my dad's house on a Saturday morning and Ben was there. I plopped down in the guest chair in the computer room, met Ben and started asking him what he was doing. We chatted for a few minutes and my dad came in. My dad made some comment like, Oh- you've met my daughter. And Ben said to me: Yeah, I've heard all about you from your dad and stepmom, but you're much nicer than they described. And my dad blushed as Ben turned to him and said, You guys acted like she's so awful, she's normal enough to me. I doubt Ben knew what he had said that day. My dad basically ignored it. But I remember thinking, how dare you. Because basically what that means is that my dad and stepmom had said something like, "Yeah, you've met his son, but his daughter, what a ****" when Ben asked about me. And I remember being taken aback because I'm not usually understimated in that way. Most of the people in my life see that I'm just a human trying to do more good than evil. And I think they know that I'm pretty transparent, what you see is what you get. I'm flawed but I'm not trying to be more or less than I am. I'm not trying to prove anything. I just want to be loved and love the people in my life the best I know how. And I have good and bad qualities, and I screw up a lot. But so does everyone else. So it was a little unsettling to find out just how little I was known by the people that purported to want to love me and be close to me. Unsettling indeed.

I learned something that day. I will not be underestimated.

Don't even go there.