It's not that I don't want to hear it...

I've heard a lot of people say that they have a hard time hearing the voice of God, but for me I feel like it's more as though God is always speaking and I have only a small tolerance to take my hands off my ears and hear what He is saying. There's so much He's saying, but I don't have the capacity to hear it all. I am not ready for it
so I have to cover my ears and take it in smaller doses.

Whenever people argue about who is right, I want to shout: "There are all kinds of truth happening at any one given time." Just look at the Bible; 66 books and all those truths have to coexist in the universe together at one time.

And sometimes I feel like all that truth is crowding in on me. I'm just a little human ant, I don't have the ability to hear it all at once. It would be bad for my digestion.

I guess I should fill in some of the blanks:
1. I got accepted to the Experiment. (See link on previous post.)
2. I am going to New Orleans in November to do Katrina Relief for a week.

Tonight I prayed with them and I felt like God was pushing my hands away from my ears. The first three people prayed in ways that directly connected with me. I nearly cried. I felt like God was saying, See? See, you can do this.

You can take one day at a time. You can get on the plane on one day. You can sleep on the cot that night. You can get up the next morning and take instructions. You can work all day. You can sleep at night. You can do this for 5 days. I will walk with You.

But I don't believe.

I don't believe this will happen. I don't believe He can do it. I don't believe I won't come home on a gurney. I am certain of disaster. I'm afraid and my faith seems so frail after all I have been through with my body. I thought emotional brokenness was hard, but the physical kind has been so draining. I have spent a good 10 months waiting to feel totally good again. I can't even remember what it felt like because when you feel fine, you don't notice it. I keep believing that if I could remember what it felt like not to feel the pain, I could re-establish it. That underscoring good feeling where you don't notice it because it's just always there. Or not there.

I am looking for that not there feeling. It's lost forever. But I am not hopeless. There has been progress and I am choosing to chant the beauty of the good.

I am walking/running at least 30 minutes a day religiously and that is helping. I do have a weird clicking in my right hip at times when I do this. If I move so it won't click, my hamstring starts to tighten up. If I let it continue to click, eventually whatever is clicking starts to hurt.

But the exercise helps. I am not religious about most things, except my dental care, but religiosity is helping in this case. My goal is to do 21 days, because the statistics people say that 21 days creates a habit.

I'm on day 13.

Pray for me.

If you had gone to the Shark Club at 11:30 today, you would get this...

Ralph Waldo Emerson:

Do not waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.

I'm sorry Mama...

I'm cleaning out my closet. Actually I just got done. I committed to getting rid of at least five pairs of shoes and at least one bag of clothes. I filled two big Ikea-size bags of clothes easily and got rid of six pairs of shoes. I didn't get rid of any handbags because I can honestly say I have used and still use all of them. Every occasion needs a handbag and I have one for every occasion. Honestly I rotate them a lot and I like them to match my shoes, so I didn't need to give any away. Not so with the shoes. I found a few that I know honestly I never wear and that I've even replaced already without getting rid of the old ones. So they're going. I feel good about it too. I still have a drawer of work clothes because even though I've sworn off corporate life, I've spent so much I can't waste it all. And I know at some point in the future I will need some professional attire and it took me about 3 years to accumulate stuff I like, since I hate most work attire. I wish Nordstrom would just give me a uniform, that would be awesome. But there are a couple of work items that I hate and I've known for a while should die with my corporate life, so I am planning to have a bonfire with those. Yay!

Anyway, that's how I spent my afternoon and I feel really good about it. I hope something in your day is as nice and hopeful as that.

Ready for a tired cliche?

It was a cleansing experience.

TV Ain't for Idiots

My favorite part of good TV is good dialogue:

Here, some favorite snippets:

The West Wing, Season 1, Lord John Marbury
Lord John Marbury: When we had a problem with someone, one solution that we would try is to make him a Maharajah; it's a kind of a regional king, and we would pay him off with an annual tribute and in return he would be loyal to the crown.

Leo McGarry: Lord Marbury, under our constitution the president is not empowered to create Maharajahs.

Lord John Marbury: Yes, thank you for clearing that up, Leo, having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne, I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid.


Josh Lyman: No. You're listening to me, but you're not understanding me.
Toby Ziegler: No, I'm disagreeing with you. That doesn't mean I'm not listening to you or understanding what you're saying - I'm doing all three at the same time.

President Josiah Bartlet: Sweden has a 100% literacy rate. 100%! How do they do that?
Leo McGarry: Maybe they don't and they also can't add.

More to come when I'm less tired...

10 things I'm thinking about today.

1. My hair smells like heaven.

2. I'm now (partially) employed.

3. In reference to #3, God is good.

4. I tithed this week...on money I don't have. I'm not sure how this is possible in the space/time continuum, but I did it.

5. I have my interview tonight for The Experiment.

6. I need to get my hair cut today. I have terrible split ends.

7. I went to Mexico this past weekend and painted 3 rooms. I had paint splatters on my face, arms, legs, shoes, socks, pants, shirt eyelids, eyelashes and hair. Eric said I looked like Xena: Warrior Princess when a splat fell on my left cheek and I smeared it by wiping it away. Most of it is off my body and my shoes now, but if you look closely at my right hand, there are still little white speckles of primer all over. I mostly heeded the warnings not to drink the water, except I think a little got into my food somehow.

8. I love Metamucil fiber caplets. (See #7)

9. BitTorrent is just amazing. Not nearly as fast as the old Napster, but it's great for when I've missed Gilmore Girls due to Tuesday tennis.

10. I have to check my heart with people. I get frustrated and resentful when people don't live up to my expectations instead of accepting their limitations. Usually the case is that I need to lower my expectations and live that way consistently with the person or let those people go who can't meet my expectations of what a relationship is. This is a hard decision to make. I want to stick it out with people even when they disappoint me. But ultimately, this only hurts me and lowers my self-esteem. I am worthy of more than the path of least resistance. I am worthy to be pursued.

Only 28 days til NaNoWriMo...

If you need to check into re-hab, now's the time... 28 days and you could be out and armed with a lot of new ideas to write about.

For more info on the Basics of speed-writing, click here.

I am going to be traveling to Utah for a long weekend, returning just in time to begin writing on November 1st.

So, why am I telling all my faithful readers about this? Because I need ideas. So use the comments box and give me three sentences to start a chapter of my novel. If at least ten people reply, I promise to use these as the beginnings of chapters and not give you any credit.

Here's one I have so far:
The wind was blowing hard into her face. She sat down on a bench to rest and look out into the dark horizon. She checked her watch and waited for...