What is your worst fear?

From The Irrational Season
By Madeleine L'Engle

But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.

the Gospel of Luke

I went to see the beautiful Ann sing on Saturday night in a gospel concert in Watts. And as I have been meditating on all the songs, and the totality of the experience, the word that came to mind was, LITERAL.

Literal
1. actual: being or reflecting the essential or genuine character of something;

And this is the glory of gospel, it tells the essential character of something, in its case, the good news of Jesus. And there is nothing more purified and essential than the beautiful multiformity of the people of Watts and the cries which they, we, sent to heaven. And it reminded me of the gospel of Luke, the gospel we turn to at Christmas because it describes in such painstaking detail all of the meaning and specifics of the birth of Christ. Whenever I think of Luke, I think of someone like me, detail-oriented and determined to tell the story just exactly as it happened. LITERALLY.

Sunny Days

Sunny days are the best. I went for an hour-long walk today through Peters Canyon near our house and it was great. The lake was full and clear blue from all of the rain we've had. The sky was mostly clear except for some pretty white clouds and all of the hills were green instead of the typical brown we get in summer. If there was a day I'd rather celebrate than Christmas, it would be the day Daylight Savings Time starts in the spring. It's so nice to know that it will be light until 7:00 or later in mid-summer.

Fear

So I joined a class last Wednesday night and something happened that made me embarrassed to return to the class. After talking it out with safe people I realized it was somewhat of an irrational fear and that I could overcome it by returning to the class and facing the situation. It also seemed clear that everyone else had probably never even noticed the situation in the first place. But I was tired and that became a factor tonight. And if I don't go tonight, there are only a few class meetings left and I am losing money (about $50) even by missing one. And I realized that I can foresee what is going to be taught for the rest of the class and I don't really see it as that beneficial for the price. Additionally, it's one more night of the week that will be filled up and when I start working that will be tiring. But most of all, it is a voluntary thing. I paid for it, I chose to do it. And so I let myself off the hook. If it's fear of further embarrassment that is keeping me home, then what is so bad about that? Shouldn't we care for our own souls? I know I have been captive to a mentality that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I just survived a major accident. What is my need to put more stress on myself? If I don't want to face that, I'm not going to. There are plenty of "mandatory" things like work and church where we have to face hard realities. If this class is supposed to be fun, fun shouldn't be nervewracking or hard. It should be fun and relaxing. It shouldn't cause panic attacks on my way to my car. So today I took a wonderful step in the direction of caring for myself. Putting my needs first ahead of my need to impress or fix my image. And I feel really good about it. And tomorrow I plan to get my money and my time back and invest it in something that is really, truly fun for me.

Goldbricking

In the fine tradition of college students everywhere, Ann and I spent a lovely day walking by the beach and shopping at Fashion Island. Despite setting off the Forever 21 security alarms twice, we had a lovely time. Earlier as walked along Newport Avenue we discussed our plans to build life goals and plans for ourselves, my new job, Ann's life pursuing her seminary degree and I made the comment, "Isn't it amazing that we don't need to do all that to get to retirement so we can relax? We are talking a long walk and enjoying the outdoors on a Wednesday afternoon when the rest of the world is toiling away to get ahead. I think we're already ahead."

Why should I stress myself out to get where I already am? Amen.

Ah, employment...

Yes, I got a job today. How lovely.