Fear

So I joined a class last Wednesday night and something happened that made me embarrassed to return to the class. After talking it out with safe people I realized it was somewhat of an irrational fear and that I could overcome it by returning to the class and facing the situation. It also seemed clear that everyone else had probably never even noticed the situation in the first place. But I was tired and that became a factor tonight. And if I don't go tonight, there are only a few class meetings left and I am losing money (about $50) even by missing one. And I realized that I can foresee what is going to be taught for the rest of the class and I don't really see it as that beneficial for the price. Additionally, it's one more night of the week that will be filled up and when I start working that will be tiring. But most of all, it is a voluntary thing. I paid for it, I chose to do it. And so I let myself off the hook. If it's fear of further embarrassment that is keeping me home, then what is so bad about that? Shouldn't we care for our own souls? I know I have been captive to a mentality that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I just survived a major accident. What is my need to put more stress on myself? If I don't want to face that, I'm not going to. There are plenty of "mandatory" things like work and church where we have to face hard realities. If this class is supposed to be fun, fun shouldn't be nervewracking or hard. It should be fun and relaxing. It shouldn't cause panic attacks on my way to my car. So today I took a wonderful step in the direction of caring for myself. Putting my needs first ahead of my need to impress or fix my image. And I feel really good about it. And tomorrow I plan to get my money and my time back and invest it in something that is really, truly fun for me.