The hardest part about blogging.

The hardest part about blogging for me is reading my own blog. I try not to do it any more than I have to, but sometimes I need to review to see what I missed recording about my life. And it's HARD. I don't want to think about all the ledges my brain has stood on the precipice of. I don't want to think about all the prepositions I have ended sentences with.

And another hard aspect to reading back over my own blog is not going back and editing out the parts that are unlovely. Or the parts that now feel a little too honest.

My friend and I had a conversation tonight about the Experiment blog and Rockharbor and what it means to edit and package the gospel for people. Rockharbor is definitely seeker-friendly in a powerful way. Even having been there for 5 years now, I still LOVE Verge Sundays. Sometimes I think they impact me even more than people attending for the 1st time. Every one is a fresh angle on grace. But there was something about my first time at the Senior Center when Keith took the stage and decided on a whim NOT to do a sermon that changed me. I think the people had just been out serving that day or something, so he just took the stage and asked people to come up one by one and share how they had seen God move. I'm not entirely sure, but I believe it was impromptu. And it was uncomfortable. I was new and I was kind of ticked. I wanted a sermon or some kind of talk so I could decide if they were quacks or not. I had been kind of terrified to enter a church in a while, and I wanted a return on my investment of my time and heart. I know that's not an ideal way to come to church, but after having been mistreated by people in the name of Jesus, all congregational gatherings were suspect. And especially ones where people looked made-up, glossy and put-together like they just stepped out of a magazine ad.

So tonight my best and I were discussing how Rockharbor values "cool moments" and how often the stories that we tell about ministry or God center around one cool moment. And I was sharing my experience being in the Experiment, that being a guinea pig seems to mean a LOT of pictures will be taken. Some without my knowledge even. And I really want there to be a value in my life to record God's glory and hearts transformed and that can get lost in the midst of capturing "cool moments" to share with others.

I guess this entire blog has come about due to two things that happened. One has been over a year of reading Renee Altson's book and then her blog. (Find the link to the right.) Talk about taking a seriously personal life and putting it up for the world to see. And I think somewhere on there or in her book she talked about blogging before writing her book because blogging held the safety of knowing she could remove her posts anytime. And the second thing that happened was seeing Charlotte cry so very hard as we drove through the streets of the lower 9th ward and seeing her frustration with the picture-taking. And even though I took pictures myself, I am grateful that Char was honest about what was happening with her because I know what it is to feel over-exposed. I am not made-up, glossy or put-together and no one has ever asked me to be in a magazine ad. So when I face the words or pictures of myself, I tend to cringe a lot.

Jesus, I invite you to keep me un-lovely as long as I can stay in the lovely place of seeing you work. Your hands are deftly helping, and your heart is easily loving and your feet are quickly running after me when I run away from your healing. Help me to accept myself, the messy kid you picked to be yours. Help me never try to erase the me's I have been or the feelings I've had. They are real and you want them. You want me even when I don't want me.