you get a little bit closer, to feeling fine...
I feel fine today. It was Sunday, or still is, and I spent a lovely day shopping and reading at the park. And I finished my book, so I went back to the bookstore and got another one by the same author. Cause she is amazing. Her writing is like gossamer wings. Which is a really tired simile, but true in this case. It is translucent webbing that looks flimsy, but is surprisingly strong and visceral. And every so often, something glints and you see the most amazing shapes of iridescence in the light.
Was reading: Range of Motion by Elizabeth Berg.
Currently reading: Things We Keep by Elizabeth Berg.
And now I am going out for sushi! Ta-ta.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Fights and Fun
Fights and fun? Yes, fights and fun. Because every day needs a little F-flavored alliteration...
Well, the fight part wasn't lovely. A friend o' mine decided she'd rather have a pet rock than me, to put it exactly, she would like to be friends but only if I promise to be silent whenever she has something to say. I figure if you want that, you can talk to your cat, cause it certainly won't talk back, but I am human and I get to be 100% of my half of a relationship. Really I'm not that bothered by it, we are all crazy and sometimes we get our goo on each other. I have faith that it will be resolved somehow and I am ok if it never is, too. But this whole thing just makes me think about how we are all broken people. Every single damned one of us. And sometimes we want to use each other and sometimes we use each other without even knowing it and it's so hard for us to just accept each other; to become large enough in our own hearts to make room for someone else to be who they are. Without becoming enmeshed. Without putting a lock on that guest room we are letting them live in and demanding payment for their stay. And I know which are the truly holy and healthy relationships I have been in because they are like rubberbands around me and that person, holding us together in love, but loose enough to stretch, to allow us both to be our own selves, to like different things, to disagree and yet love. To give us space to be individual and time to be in that space so that we will again long to be in relationship. Although I know so few good marriages, I think this is one of the keys to them. That balance of oneness as a marriage and oneness as individuals. That room to go out apart from each other and find one's self again. In finding one's self, you find that part of your self that is you alone, that part that was attractive to the other person in the first place. A relationship cannot survive this world with all of its stumbling blocks without giving each person room. Room to breathe and room to grow more fully into a whole individual, two whole individuals that can be more than the sum of their parts.
Fun...The fun is coming. I am going to an Angels game on Saturday and a Ducks game on Monday and I'm just thrilled. Bring on the team sports and the screaming fans and the beer and the drunk fans and the peanuts. And I think some dancing may be thrown into the weekend also. Weeeee!
Catch ya on the flipside.
This post was brought to you by the letter F.
Well, the fight part wasn't lovely. A friend o' mine decided she'd rather have a pet rock than me, to put it exactly, she would like to be friends but only if I promise to be silent whenever she has something to say. I figure if you want that, you can talk to your cat, cause it certainly won't talk back, but I am human and I get to be 100% of my half of a relationship. Really I'm not that bothered by it, we are all crazy and sometimes we get our goo on each other. I have faith that it will be resolved somehow and I am ok if it never is, too. But this whole thing just makes me think about how we are all broken people. Every single damned one of us. And sometimes we want to use each other and sometimes we use each other without even knowing it and it's so hard for us to just accept each other; to become large enough in our own hearts to make room for someone else to be who they are. Without becoming enmeshed. Without putting a lock on that guest room we are letting them live in and demanding payment for their stay. And I know which are the truly holy and healthy relationships I have been in because they are like rubberbands around me and that person, holding us together in love, but loose enough to stretch, to allow us both to be our own selves, to like different things, to disagree and yet love. To give us space to be individual and time to be in that space so that we will again long to be in relationship. Although I know so few good marriages, I think this is one of the keys to them. That balance of oneness as a marriage and oneness as individuals. That room to go out apart from each other and find one's self again. In finding one's self, you find that part of your self that is you alone, that part that was attractive to the other person in the first place. A relationship cannot survive this world with all of its stumbling blocks without giving each person room. Room to breathe and room to grow more fully into a whole individual, two whole individuals that can be more than the sum of their parts.
Fun...The fun is coming. I am going to an Angels game on Saturday and a Ducks game on Monday and I'm just thrilled. Bring on the team sports and the screaming fans and the beer and the drunk fans and the peanuts. And I think some dancing may be thrown into the weekend also. Weeeee!
Catch ya on the flipside.
This post was brought to you by the letter F.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
I Cut My Hair
I cut my hair and that is always a milepost. I can always look back and know what the year was like based on what length and style my hair was. Last year, right around May 10th or so, I got a gnarly bad haircut that brought me close to tears and I had it fixed by a lovely woman named Snow who made it hip and edgy. She did all this on a Friday night at 8:00 and it blessed my life. And that haircut made a difference in how the entire year, and possibly all the time up till now turned out. I learned when I was 16 that as a woman a significant portion of my life would always be inextricably tangled up in what kind of hair covered my head. Boys like blonds with long hair, so I chopped all of mine off. It took me a lot of personal growth to let it grow back and accept my own head, and along with, the fear of being dangerous that has been written on my soul.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
What is your worst fear?
From The Irrational Season
By Madeleine L'Engle
But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.
To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.
By Madeleine L'Engle
But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.
To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
the Gospel of Luke
I went to see the beautiful Ann sing on Saturday night in a gospel concert in Watts. And as I have been meditating on all the songs, and the totality of the experience, the word that came to mind was, LITERAL.
Literal
1. actual: being or reflecting the essential or genuine character of something;
And this is the glory of gospel, it tells the essential character of something, in its case, the good news of Jesus. And there is nothing more purified and essential than the beautiful multiformity of the people of Watts and the cries which they, we, sent to heaven. And it reminded me of the gospel of Luke, the gospel we turn to at Christmas because it describes in such painstaking detail all of the meaning and specifics of the birth of Christ. Whenever I think of Luke, I think of someone like me, detail-oriented and determined to tell the story just exactly as it happened. LITERALLY.
Literal
1. actual: being or reflecting the essential or genuine character of something;
And this is the glory of gospel, it tells the essential character of something, in its case, the good news of Jesus. And there is nothing more purified and essential than the beautiful multiformity of the people of Watts and the cries which they, we, sent to heaven. And it reminded me of the gospel of Luke, the gospel we turn to at Christmas because it describes in such painstaking detail all of the meaning and specifics of the birth of Christ. Whenever I think of Luke, I think of someone like me, detail-oriented and determined to tell the story just exactly as it happened. LITERALLY.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Sunny Days
Sunny days are the best. I went for an hour-long walk today through Peters Canyon near our house and it was great. The lake was full and clear blue from all of the rain we've had. The sky was mostly clear except for some pretty white clouds and all of the hills were green instead of the typical brown we get in summer. If there was a day I'd rather celebrate than Christmas, it would be the day Daylight Savings Time starts in the spring. It's so nice to know that it will be light until 7:00 or later in mid-summer.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Fear
So I joined a class last Wednesday night and something happened that made me embarrassed to return to the class. After talking it out with safe people I realized it was somewhat of an irrational fear and that I could overcome it by returning to the class and facing the situation. It also seemed clear that everyone else had probably never even noticed the situation in the first place. But I was tired and that became a factor tonight. And if I don't go tonight, there are only a few class meetings left and I am losing money (about $50) even by missing one. And I realized that I can foresee what is going to be taught for the rest of the class and I don't really see it as that beneficial for the price. Additionally, it's one more night of the week that will be filled up and when I start working that will be tiring. But most of all, it is a voluntary thing. I paid for it, I chose to do it. And so I let myself off the hook. If it's fear of further embarrassment that is keeping me home, then what is so bad about that? Shouldn't we care for our own souls? I know I have been captive to a mentality that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I just survived a major accident. What is my need to put more stress on myself? If I don't want to face that, I'm not going to. There are plenty of "mandatory" things like work and church where we have to face hard realities. If this class is supposed to be fun, fun shouldn't be nervewracking or hard. It should be fun and relaxing. It shouldn't cause panic attacks on my way to my car. So today I took a wonderful step in the direction of caring for myself. Putting my needs first ahead of my need to impress or fix my image. And I feel really good about it. And tomorrow I plan to get my money and my time back and invest it in something that is really, truly fun for me.
Goldbricking
In the fine tradition of college students everywhere, Ann and I spent a lovely day walking by the beach and shopping at Fashion Island. Despite setting off the Forever 21 security alarms twice, we had a lovely time. Earlier as walked along Newport Avenue we discussed our plans to build life goals and plans for ourselves, my new job, Ann's life pursuing her seminary degree and I made the comment, "Isn't it amazing that we don't need to do all that to get to retirement so we can relax? We are talking a long walk and enjoying the outdoors on a Wednesday afternoon when the rest of the world is toiling away to get ahead. I think we're already ahead."
Why should I stress myself out to get where I already am? Amen.
Why should I stress myself out to get where I already am? Amen.
Monday, April 03, 2006
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