the Development of Want

I had this really interesting thought today. My mom and I were driving around town (avoiding the malls) shopping for Christmas presents for the various people in our lives that we want to appreciate. And she kept asking me if there was more I wanted for Christmas, cause I have some big dreams like a new bed, but all I really wanted was pajamas and Gilmore Girls on DVD (no commercials!) And I kept trying to think of all those things that one has as fleeting thoughts, such as things I would never buy myself, but that when I am in the drugstore I think, hey it would be great to have an eyelash curler. Or when I am getting out of the shower, I notice my old robe is pretty ratty. But who has time to go buy a new one? And so you just go along and forget those things. But those are great things for an unemployed lady like me. And I was waiting for my mom as we stopped at Starbucks mid-shopping and I was actually expending energy trying to think of things I have wanted, but not wanted badly enough to just purchase for myself. I pondered how much Christmas has become this development of want and all that Christ meant it to be is the development of sacrifice. Jesus' whole purpose on earth wasn't to share the four spiritual laws and offer salvation that will cause all the areas of your life to center around him in perfect order like magnets once you put him on the throne of your heart, it was to die. To give something up for someone else is revolutionary and counter-intuitive and exactly the way Jesus would operate, were he walking in the flesh around Orange County between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I went to see Handel's Messiah at the Performing Arts Center a couple of weeks ago and it occurred to me as the opera began that while the music probably does glorify God, Jesus will never be found in a place like that. He would most likely be down on the corner at the liquor store having a smoke with the homeless guys, the guys whose hands are stuffed in their pockets tightly because they don't have gloves. The guys who are trying to figure out why life is so goddamn hard, why they just get less. This Christmas I have figured out it doesn't even out in the end, some people do just get less. And my New Year's resolution is not to throw all my lovely, expensive gifts away, but to live in the knowledge that some people just get less and try to make sure that those people know they are not alone. Because sometimes I have just gotten less, but most of the time I have gotten way, way more than even I can imagine. And it's true either way, even if it is a cliche, that it's not about that anyway. We are all beggars, it's just that some of us know where the bread is.

Thank you Jesus for being my bread. Thank you that when I feel overwhelming disgrace about being pushed out of the formal dining room, eating my Christmas dinner in the kitchen, you remind me that you have a plan, that your favored son was forced to be beaten and die with sinners. That my disappointment and embarrassment is walking in the way of the cross. That choosing to feel my feelings of disappointment, hurt and shame is a real reaction to the real fallenness of our world and the people in it. But I don't have to choose blame and grudges, I can choose forgiveness and boundaries. And thank you that peace like a river will always attendeth my way, because I will be with you forever in paradise. No matter where I go, or what happens to me, you are calling me from heaven and there is a banquet waiting where I am the guest of honor. I may be sad, and cry more often than most people, but I am now and eternally safe and loved.